Category Archives: Writing

Transforming Transitions of Transient Travels Thru Solitary Sediments of Existence Eventually Emerging Blissfully Content, Free and Smiling. BE JEALOUS.

I think I just hit a record for title length!

I just closed my eyes, typed, and deleted…
which gave me two “déjà vu” moments.


I’m listening to Jewel’s “Foolish Games” right now.
I’ve included the video below. I forgot about her wonky tooth.
I love it. I hope she never decides to “fix” it to conform to the “norm’s” view
of perfection.
I find it perfectly, precious.

When I was younger, it was one of the songs I used to zone out to on the piano;
from early morning 4am-ish to sunrise.
The first set of notes slides me into the music and out of “existence.”

Melodically mind-numbing, but welcomingly so.
I stopped what I was doing just now so I could ride fully with the notes as the song began again.
Man. I can’t help but smile.
“Take me” my mind says and off I go.

I have a slight headache from a little too much wine and port last night
however, with this song piping through my earphones…
my braincells are doing a graceful dance number inside of my skull
with moments of opened-armed, running towards the front of the “stage” glee
releasing me of the punishing tension and agony from the
“offensive” and demonic reactions of evil grape distillates.

I think I’ve realized WHY I love plugging in (earphones).
It’s me, blocking out the world.
Blocking out the noise of influence.
Of outside voices which wish to seep into my head and take it over.

Blocking out the world, gives me my mind back.
Gives me my peace to settle my thoughts, monitor my movements and THINK.

THINK, for myself.
Not as the “world” wishes to program it.

The world most of us live in today, is too consumed.
Consumed by useless distractions, routines and “responsibilities.”
Fruitless desires to achieve!
To control.
To gain POWER
and to then, what?
What is it that you gain, when at the end of the day…

you’re always dreaming of your “vacations?”

What about, just being?
Or living?

 When did we go from necessity being life
to life’s obsession with luxury?

Throughout my 32 years on this planet, I’ve taken breaks from the world.
I used to think they were deep depressions…which in a way, they were…
because I was just not happy with the world around me so I left it

to be on my own.
To think, to create, to “protect” myself from what it’s become?
I have managed to position myself with a lifestyle that allows me to
escape the world, when I wish.

I mold my life into what I wish it to be.
And, if I can’t in that EXACT moment, I’ll find a way to get myself there.
I don’t follow “what should bes”
I follow, “what Cara bes.”

So many people think they’ve got the “Path to Success”
all mapped out.
(And aren’t SHY about SHOVING that JOYFUL “know it all” knowledge down your throat.)
I really don’t think there is such a path, well, not society’s definition of it.
(Which starts as a failure in itself just as is.)
Life’s too unpredictable for that…so I just do as I do, and embrace whatever comes of it.

 A prime example. I had a friend who was JUST about to graduate from University as
a brain surgeon…however, before her big day, she discovered she had brain cancer
and died shortly after her diagnosis.

I’ve seen the way my aunt used to study and pin her nose into a book while I was growing up.
I’d hate to have put all that effort and sacrifice into something, just to get jipped at the end.
However, if it’s something you enjoy and are passionate about, that’s different.

Wow. How appealing???

For the most part, I’ve always done, anything I’ve wanted to
and am grateful I wasn’t born into a shackled life.
I’m not sure there’s much I’ve wanted to do and haven’t done.

There’s #1 place in a superbike race, but I’ve given myself until 35.
Need to get my ass back on the tracks soon. Time’s running out.

Stay tuned, it’ll happen.
I give myself between 1st-3rd place. Podium-level.
Ain’t about to make things TOO stressful for myself!
(Especially since I’m not “supporting” lost causes anymore)

THIS TIME, for real, I’m putting myself FIRST.
(Excluding my parents)
No more charity cases. Indy, you better help me stay strong on this one.
I’m counting on you baby!!!
My life’s filled with helping others get to where they want to be, while placing my dreams
on the back burner. I’m hoping I can finally put a stop to that silly little habit.

I won’t mind going back to it, but I’d finally like to make this one dream a reality as it’s
been one of the only unfulfilled constants in my life.
2012 baby. The Year of MY Dragon…as I like to say.

In closing, if yer stressing, if you feel my life an inspiration and don’t think
YOU can be where I am…

 Sit down, without distractions and think about the things that control you…
that you are enslaved to
and start to break free from them.

In one, broken down, “do-you-speak-English” word: SIMMM…PLIIIII…FY!!!!!!!!

These past few weeks I’ve taken a step back, shook the glitter off my distractions
and have returned, refreshed, focused and lighter
and ready to create new footsteps into a revised unknown.

Spring cleaning baby!

(Apparently, a part of this new “transformation” and “awakening” of mine, I have now
begun to speak via pictures.)

Carafuscious say………………

Have a BEAUTIFUL humpday ALL!!!!!!!!


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Happy Birthday to My Moldovan Madam

Since asking you to marry me on March 12th and warning you I don’t bite, it’s been a journey. A perfect flowing symmetry with surprises and amazing discoveries around every corner.
Even though religions are pretty whacked…
they do have a core basis of truth when it comes to life:


Like us, today.
As you mentioned…
(age-wise *cough*)

Within this short time I believe you know my ins and outs
better than many who have been in my life for years.

This can all be in part DUE to our insomnia and the mutually late hours we keep.

 You once laughed at how quickly I became someone’s muse…
then I, not as quickly, became one of yours.
And you, one of mine.

Funny how “life” works huh?

Speaking of muses…
I just did a calculation which brings 13 into play today!!!
I’ll privately message you that one.

Serendipity and circles.
It’s like today reconnects the “whole.”
You’ll see.

Maybe we have too much time on our hands.
What do you think?

I was initially thinking of getting you a subscription to Netflix
for your birthday, but then thought
you were gifted with ME…so, what else could one ask for?


From castrating missions, to pirates,  to virgins and everything in between…
from today and for the many to come
I, as we always seem to say, with everything
you want and desire wish you:

“Good Luck With THAT!”


I hope I can continue the path of giving you smiles and boning your mind.
Which may be on the difficult side nowadays as I’m sleeping more
which in turns seems to have zapped the energy in my brain.

Or, maybe it’s just my multiple personalities
switching shifts?

I never know with them.

(Yes, I stole this off google. Couldn’t be arsed. You know I’d do so much better. Hence
why I wanted to reveal the “lie” before it was discovered.)


Totally FUCKED and flatlining.

Don’t you find it funny that on your worst of days where your inside is crumbling your outside can reflect the total opposite? I just came back from the bathroom and caught myself in the mirror.
Hair’s perfect, skin’s fresh…


Totally FUCKED and flatlining.

I’ve decided to go mute for a few days.
No Facebook, no emails, no verbal noise, just me and my tunes.

I’m writing this in pieces, throughout my day.
Just bumped into someone who’s been staying at the hotel…
“Wow, you’re looking very nice today!”

I guess it’s a good thing my outside doesn’t reflect my inside.
I’d probably look like a zombie.
(Thinking of my girl Diana – Sorry I didn’t announce my departure personally!
I’ll make it up to you!!!)

I am getting slightly better as the day progresses.
Detaching is always a refreshing thing, whenever it can be done.

Sometimes while trying to put fires out and save the world around me…
I forget about the most important person, in MY world.


So, gonna give Cara some much needed Me, Myself and I time.
Tonight, I cancelled on my friend Natalie, one of my favorite additions here in Holland.

Sorry my love, WILL definitely make it up to you!

I over-extend myself, A LOT. So, when the time comes where I need to just
SHUT DOWN. I do. Cuz if not, I’ll BREAK DOWN.
I’ve been sitting staring at a calendar of April for DAYS trying to figure out what the best
plan of attack is. I think I just came up with an attractive solution!!

It works for ME and my peace of mind.
I was burning mental calories trying to figure out a way to make EVERYONE
happy and I felt I was suffocating and ramming myself into walls of frustration.
So now, I choose to breathe and choose, me.

Ahhhh. Mental clarity and selfishness. Feels good.
You gotta, it’s balance and self-preservation.
This is what happens when you don’t have so many
– as Rick likes to call all the weights I put on my shoulders –
“arrows” coming your way. I’m only dealing with one.

ME…and from beginning to end…
(of this blog)

I must admit, the Cara on the inside is starting to reflect the Cara on the outside.


Have a good day folks!!!

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Posted by on April 3, 2012 in Happiness, Life, Mental Chaos, Writing


“I’m a fucking monster when all I wanted was something beautiful.”

I live in a world of distorted perceptions.
Where good intentions are met with attacks
and masked wickedness is met with adulation.
I sit outside of my bubble and watch the world in silence.

My silence…

and what I see, creates tears in my heart.

Tears may be interpreted in whichever definition comes to you, because it’s all the same.
I travel the world, inside my head and my tunes, a lot.
When I walk through crowds and city streets I always feel like I’m a ghost in a realm
not of my own.

A spirit floating through an altered dimension seeing those around me
with them, unable to see me.
I’m the air.

I have collected some of the best souvenirs along my travels.
Those who have become everlasting friends and permanent fixtures in my happiest of thoughts.
Yesterday, there was a moment where I was jazzed. Pumped. Feeling really good about my present…
The thought: “My life f-in rocks!”
Rushed through my veins.

Then, as all the confetti falls to the floor…
I’m alone again.
Feeling detached from the world and the wavelengths of most around me.

“I’m a fucking monster when all I wanted was something beautiful.”
That’s a line from Meg Myers song, “Monster.”
She’s referring to a relationship but that line’s perfect to describe the way I feel sometimes
because it starts with anger and hurt then ends of with softness and beauty.

And that’s my ying and yang.
My frustration and disgust towards a world that really doesn’t give a shit…
and my heart that wishes, you could open your eyes and begin to see.

 Take the time to step towards something greater.
Something more?

You can never please 100% of the world, but why even bother, when most of the world
doesn’t even give a shit about anything beyond their bubble?

No matter how much I shake it off and push forward…
the darts of the enemies still manage to prick my armor.

If what doesn’t kill you, truly makes you stronger
my God, please SAVE the person that DARE step in my path
when my time has come to really, fuck shit up.


Prostitution, Religion and YOU – Combat your ignorance, evolve & BETTER the world around you.

Unlike what people LOVE to spit out…
prostitution is NOT the oldest profession.

I find it highly ignorant and sheepish to hear this response during discussions of sexual slavery
and forced prostitution.
Like, because it existed A LONG time ago, it should be somewhat accepted?

And also, if these individuals would actually use their BRAINS for once in their simple lives
they’d figure out, that you can’t have a supply without a demand.
Were they whoring themselves out for free?

No, obviously someone ELSE started working and earning some form of payment for this
so-called OLDEST profession.

It is not thee, but yes, it is ONE.
(Sumerian records in 2400 B.C.)

600s B.C. (7th Century B.C.) Legal brothels were set up in China by the stateman-philosopher Kuang Chung as a means for increasing the state’s income.
(Not much different than today’s reason. Glad to see, how far we’ve evolved in our management of commodities,
oh, I mean humans – mainly women)

 Late 500s
“A decree of Recared, Catholic king of the Visigoths of Spain (596-601) absolutely prohibited prostitution. Girls and women born of free parents convicted of either practising prostitution, or inducing debauchery, were condemned for the first offence to be flogged (300 strokes) and to be ignominously expelled from the town.”

A woman enters into prostitution (talking about her own free will) usually out of desperation, or as a means to get through the moment and out of certain situations to hopefully gain a better life for her and (usually present)
her children.

I don’t believe in punishing the prostitutes.
It’s like lashing punishment on someone who’s already damned.
History and present day ALWAYS punish the women while the men, equally associated, most times walk off with
a slap on the wrist.

Why expect anything more from a world where men are constantly on the role of suppressing women?
The majority of men, whether they wish to admit it or not…
want their women as rag dolls. POSSESSIONS. Items “belonging” to them
who they can order around, who can SERVE them and who are accessible whenever their whims
desire, to please them.

It’s the average. The majority. The typical space within humans, men and women, where you find “evil.”
“Ignorance” and “mindless sheeple.”

A great way to analyze, what’s wrong, is to see how many people are behind it.
The greatest acts of humanity, of selflessness, don’t crowd.

REAL issues are always masked and hardly ever placed on “HIGH alert” and importance.
However, things that “sound” good, that have “sparkle” or is “preached” by a celebrity
are all jumped on without personal research.

How does one fully invest themselves into something without picking it apart from its beginning to end first?

Back to prostitution, if the world would stop fucking fighting and squash their ego trips, races for power
and insatiable GREED we wouldn’t have hunger or desperation because we’d work together as
a whole for the greater good. But, yeah. I know. FAT FUCKING CHANCE.
Which is sad, don’t you think?

If we looked out for one another, people wouldn’t have to turn to desperate measures to “survive.”

I agree with this:

2002-MAY: Nigeria: A man, Sarimu Mohammed, 50, was sentenced to be stoned to death by a court in Jigawa for raping a nine-year-old girl.

I don’t agree with these:

1996-MAR: Afghanistan: Some strict interpretations of Islamic law calls for the death penalty for any woman found in the company of a man other than a close family member. Sexual activity is assumed to have happened. A woman, Jamila, was found guilty of trying to leave the country with such a man. She was caught and stoned to death on 1996-MAR-28

1996-NOV: Afghanistan: Under the previous, Taliban, regime, a woman, Nurbibi, 40, and a man Turylai, 38, were stoned to death in a public assembly using palm-sized stones. They were found guilty of non-marital sex.

However, I DO respect their adherence to their scriptures.
As with most religions, hypocrites are rampant. However, if one enforces the laws of their religion
and also LIVES by their religion 100%.
They have my respect, no matter how disturbing because they are living and acting upon their beliefs.

I’m a FULL supporter of all the way or no way.
You can’t put yourself in 30%-50%-99%
and LASH out your HATE against things you PICK apart in the Bible, etc
and run with while YOU yourself are the worst of sinners, etc.

This is for my Christian Nation Bahamian Haters and others who show such repugnance and venom
towards gays who are usually the most LOVING people you’ll ever meet
because similar to those also oppressed and feeling the sour pangs of

they usually possess open hearts and open minds.

A GREAT person accepts all humans as one, no one above or below, with their own individualities
that aren’t boxed in merely by skin color, sexual orientation or gender.

Really, HOW IGNORANT ARE YOU?!!?!?!?

Exodus 20:14 “You shall not commit adultery.”

Deuteronomy 22:22 “If a man is found sleeping with another man’s wife, both the man who slept with her and the woman must die.

Leviticus 20:10 “If a man commits adultery with another man’s wife–with the wife of his neighbor–both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death.

So, according to this BIBLE you so like to PULL out and use in your FIGHT WITH the God your wish to “honor”
what say you now? How many of my Bahamian “brethren” with yer “proud” culture of “sweetheartin”
need to be lined up and PUT to DEATH?

How many of you Christian mothers wish to follow the scriptures along with the government and watch your
child be killed because they can’t control their hormones and sexual desires?

STOP hating.
STOP judging.
STOP placing yourself on this HIGH horse of playing “God” through a damn BOOK!

The world and its ills is so simple yet you choose to complicate it with your beliefs and religions.

In other news: Like, OMG! I just discovered the “Kitchen Sink” button on WordPress!!!!
I’ve had a go back option and document editing capabilities!?!?!? ALL THIS TIME?!?!?!!? AAAACK!

Anyone else wish to share what other amazing things I may be missing in my blogging experience?

Thanks for your time.

Love Cara.

This entry took about 2 hours. Some, take longer than that. I still have the one I spoke about a few
entries before. But, it’s a BIGGY…I was actually in the middle of doing it
when my mind spun off to this.

Maybe I’ll never get it done and have it spun off in sections instead. Only time will tell.
Whatever flows, is what will be delivered.

Here’s the song I’ve been listening to on loop.
((I need to put a constant in my head so my mind stays as focused as it’s gonna get.))




~ Church Fantasy Fling ~ It’s a doozy…brace urself & turn AC ON. U DON’T wanna miss this one.

**A little writing I was inspired by a special someone to do and have been debating for a while if I should share. Here it is. If it got you all hot and bothered, I’ve done well. ha ha**

Being my nature to fight it out til victory or death…here I am. Seeing as I’m still alive, it must mean, I’ve so far been immaculately victorious. Instead of throwing in the towel, I’ve decided to move my operation to the bed, cozy up under my sinfully soft duvet, grab an Arizona RX Energy drink as there isn’t a drop of milk, creamer nor cream in the house for my coffee to jolt my brain cells into action, put my “writing” music on and try anew to reconstruct my day for your reading pleasure.

Why? You may ask. Well, I just thought it polite that since you somewhat belonged to my day that I’d share it with you.

Now let’s see, where did we last leave off? Yes, church. Since I’m back home visiting the ‘rents, I want things to go as smoothly as humanly possible. This means avoiding known conflicts at ALL costs.

Mainly: Going to church.

To keep the peace at home, I’ve decided to donate an hour and a half of my week to please the originators of the sperm and egg which is me. Just a little tid bit about me before we move on…

I don’t fantasize. Random, right? I just never really find the leisure time in my chaotic mind to do so.

Or, I think it a skill only given to the male gender so I don’t even attempt to cuz when I have they come up fruitless or just a dull grey, Technicolor at best…well, that is, until I step foot in church.

As soon as my wet holy water covered finger touches my forehead, at the start of the sign of the cross, it acts as a power button releasing the newest additions of the Spice channel. Mind you, this doesn’t happen all the time. From what I can remember, it typically happens when I’m hungover, spaced out or tired. In other words, no way wanting to be sitting on a pew listening to a dry drawn out sermon.

I don’t know when it started, or what triggered it, but here it goes:

I apparently rented out a sweet, luxuriously trendy south beach condo overlooking the ocean. The décor was mainly white with splashes of brightly colored pieces and black marble floors with hints of white streaks through it. It was on the fourth floor. Not too close to the ground, but high enough to enjoy the view without feeling detached from the beach below.

You’re at the door. I know it’s you. I open it and there you are, standing before me. You are wearing a cover up similar to the one you wore the day we met up for lunch. We both smile at one another, saying hello with our eyes and not saying a word. I reach out for your hand, you place yours in mine and I guide you in.

I’m more commanding in this. My attitude is more of dominance not the typical “Cara” so to speak.

There are no jokes today. There’s no small talk. You wish to say something but I press my finger against your lips and hush you with a soft, “shhhh.”

I crack a small, but mischievous smile as I place my thumbs on your eyelids gently drawing them to a close. I place my right hand where my thumb meets your ear and jaw line to where my fingers cup the back of your neck and press my lips against yours.

I don’t even have to say a word. You seem to already know I want your eyes to remain shut. There’s a belt on your outfit made of the same material. I untie it. I wrap it around your eyes and proceed to release the fibers of cloth that lay upon your shoulders til it all comes falling to the floor. I don’t have to look down to know that all you’re wearing is the skin you’re in.

I take your hand and lead you to the bed. I lay you down, placing your head tenderly on the pillows below and arrange your limbs so that your arms are straight down by your side, but about 3 inches from your body at its farthest points, and your legs are a tasteful foot and a half apart. I kiss the inside edge of your right hip bone. I move my body up on top of yours and straddle you. I place some lotion in my hands and rub them together. My fingers start from the sides of your neck and then down, following the lines of your collar bones with my thumbs. Each hand a reflection of the other, as I make my way to your shoulders and down your arms.

My hands then move to your stomach and make their way up following the edges of your rib cage opening up and out on your chest. I lean in, and kiss you again…this time parting them with a glimpse of my tongue and then intertwining our lips as my bottom one graces both your bottom and upper lips.

I kiss your cheek, move to your neck, down to your breasts as my right hand glides down the side of your body. I take your right nipple into my mouth as my left thumb circles but barely touches the surface of your left.

I continue down your body to your inner thighs (skipping over these details, must keep some things sacred and to the element of surprise)…and flip you over, massaging and kissing your back. Blah, blah, blah. I think you get the jist. I was quite entertained. Caught myself smiling every now and again…and then wondered if anyone has seen me and if they have tried to figure out WHAT could be floating in my thoughts. My smile casted an air of nothing but trouble, I’m sure of it. Anyone who caught a glimpse of my face probably thought, “Now, I KNOW she ain’t enjoying church THAT much. Wonder where the hell she’s at right now?” ha ha ha

So there you go. You’ve dubbed me your Fantasy Flirt, now…you’re my Church Fantasy Fling.

Thank you. See you next Saturday or Sunday depending on if we go to day or night mass.

Cuz, it came up on a google search…and I just had to.

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Posted by on March 18, 2012 in Art, Beauty, Photography, Pictures, Sex, Writing


Back in the Day…You were my Inspiration

(July 2nd, 2005)
This pic reminded me of my Ferrari shirt. Just remembered you fucked it up! BITCH!
Still love you though.
You sweet, adorable PAIN IN MY ASS!

The sun has risen again…and I am here to greet it.
Woke up at 6AM!
Couldn’t sleep.
Got my period…so, guess that was my body telling me “A Change is About to Occur”
My body’s good to me like that.
It used to catch me off guard…but now, it treats me with respect and lets me know its intentions.

 Went through old pics last night.


We went on a wild journey with one another.
Spastic, sporatic, special and sane-less.  lol

 Two minds with only one focus…

Now, split, and heading off into the woods on their own fresh path…wherever it may lead.
No hand to hold…just Self…alone…as we were born.

As we were created.

 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
As we come in…we must go out.
What goes up…must come down…

But does it????


Sparks from my mind to my fingers, tippin’ the keys.
Natural flow.
Here you go.


Particles of connectivity…energy…power.

Less prowess…sell to prowl.

Smokey, smokey…drink it up
Come here baby…closer up
See the distance….
See the light…
Hold on baby…
Hold on tight
Rule the beings
Rule the sea
Love all creatures
And you’ll be free
Bring me heaven
Bring me hell
What’s the difference?
Can we tell?
Heated basements…
Cold wood floors
Locked out dungeons
Milky doors
Drift into the ocean
Drift into the sea
Get lost inside the music
And come float the world with me.
Can’t wait to hear your creations
The bolts of inventions from your mind
So I can consciously fall
And leave this world behind
Take me by the hand
And walk right by my side
Wrap your arms around me
And get on for the ride
Close your eyes and fly
Boundless beings rising high
Past the heavens…
Above the sky
Thru the levels
Thru the air
Fair Air
Air up there
Adepting to clouds
Lucidly solid
Lucidly seen
Powerful night
Powerful beings
Heaven sent
Red, yellow and green
Emptiness in sorrow
Sadness that can’t be seen
No happiness left to borrow
Intimidating confidence
Soul crashing into a wreck
Infinite intelligence
Keeping my loose emotions in check
Digging holes in the sand
Buying clothes, neglecting the brand
Typing with my fingers
Moving my hands
Throwing away addictions
Tossing out the cans
Piping up the cream
Staying steady on the dream
Ice cream
Sliding doors
Shifting shelves
Frosty shores
Foreign wars
Leaky people
Freaky pores
The sores
But adores and deplores
And explores the outdoors
But ignores the underscores
In my head…
Red like my blood
Red like I bled
Holding on
Gripping to a thread
Heading towards a future
That I dread
Dread head
Dread locks
With the mind
With the spirit
With the soul
Reading the scrolls
Reading the whole
Just rolling with the punches
Just rolling with no control
Hard coal
Coals of heat
Drum rolls
Rolls drumming the beat
Life seems simple
Life seems sweet
Duck around the corner…
Trying to find a fast cheat
Under the elite
Frozen in the retreat
Juices we secrete
People we meet
Holding back our SELVES
Attempting to be discrete
Nothing solid
Nothing concrete
Places to live
Living on the street
Living on the edge
Tipping off the ledge
Life’s about to be sledged
Sledge hammer
Sledge hammered
Taken aback
Taken away
Soft like clay
You sway
You stray
You play
You pray
You’re prey
You’re preyed upon
Like demon spawn
Waking up in the day
Hailing the dawn
Night’s disappeared
Darkness is gone
Light up the abyss
Skip in the bliss
Existing to reminisce
Past recollection
Recalling the past
Passing the history
History in the making
Making your destiny
Destiny owning your
Reasoning incorrectly
Correctly unreasoning
Unknown reasons
Fallen seasons

** Just playing the game **

(When I wrote this, this song played and I noticed the beat goes real well with a few
lines above. Got the perfect speed. Try it. On the 17th sec
where the beat drops in…start “Smokey, smokey..drink it up”
I’ve been meaning to tweek it to totally work as a rap…

Life happened.

If it doesn’t make sense to you, doesn’t matter…cuz it made sense to us.