Category Archives: Suicide

If Only…

How many times have you told yourself, if only
I were prettier
I had more money
I were famous…

then you’d be happy.
THEN, your life would be easier.

Everyone of us has problems.
No one goes through life without a bit of darkness.
By wishing to have things that others have…
we won’t have all of our problems anymore.


We’ll have THEIRS as WELL!

Take these three people:

Marilyn Monroe
Kurt Cobain
Ernest Hemingway

One was one of the sexiest, most sought after beauty of her time…
yet, she buried herself in drugs and died of an overdose.

The next was a superstar. The lead singer of a popular rockband, yet killed himself
before he turned 30 years of age.

Lastly, a Nobel Prize winning author with an adventurous lifestyle idolized by many
also, with all the glitter, couldn’t escape the void and committed suicide.

Remember, it’s not what “accessories” you have in life, that make it easier and more desirable…
it’s the attitude from within and shaking off all the clutter
that help you pull in the joy and strength to face
the world as it comes your way.

The grass ain’t always greener on the other side.



“Ever notice that what the hell is always the right decision.”
I love that. Ain’t that the truth…sometimes we over think things…
when I’ve reached my limit of analyzing and just “go with it”
MAN. I can’t tell you the amazing outcomes that have arisen!


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The World Enslaved – Past and Present

If you’ve been following along, you KNOW that in my past life, I was Brazilian. Yes, tiz me jokin’ but I say this because I’ve always felt a connection with the people, the land, the culture and (ESPECIALLY) the language. Brazilian Portuguese has always been my #1 language, anytime it meets my ears, I can’t help but smile. When I was younger my mom always told me to concentrate on Spanish, something that was more widespread and useful. And I’d think: Useful for whom?

(Let’s just say, shakin’ hands with a “fan” in the Dominican Republic)
Main point, CHECK the JERSEY! Woohoo!
ha ha

I speak of modern day slavery and human trafficking on this site.
It’s crazy that I never thought of touching up on the subject of original slavery.
Visiting the past, helps understand the present.
It helps us see why we struggle in certain areas, where we’ve MAJORLY fucked up and hopefully see ways in which to rectify it.

If we don’t take the time to reflect on ourselves to see how we can improve
life will take a speed and direction of its own

and the result is never usually pretty.

If it’s not the good taking the time to better themselves
(and thereby the world around them)
the bad, like a virus, will take over and with their selfish and corrupt initiatives
start spreading, planting seeds and multiplying.

Ignoring a problem, is just as bad as causing it.
Ignoring automatically places you in the stance of, let it flow.
Let it go. Let it flourish.

People seem to enjoy GETTING into OTHER people’s business
when it’s unwarranted, but when it REALLY matters

where the fuck are you?

The Bystander Effect/Genovese Syndrome.
It’s so damn common they’ve got a name for it. It’s the label for the social phenomenon where “bystanders” witness an emergency situation and do not offer any assistance to the victim when other people are present.

Like: I’ll let someone else deal with it. Not my problem.

How chivalrous.

After Portugal’s invasion of Brazil, over 500 years ago
(which really isn’t that much time)
a lot of the native tribal Indians were forced into slavery and wiped out.
(Murder, small pox, measles and the common cold – in short, the aftereffects of the meddling and greedy Europeans)

The Portuguese turned to African slaves after the native resources were downsized.
Brazil became the destination for the largest amount of slaves, worldwide.

They were referenced as cargo and not treated much better than worthless
inanimate objects – packed by the hundreds with hardly any food, water nor air space.


A large part of the shipment arrived deceased.
After the 40 day or so voyage, most ships were abandoned because there was no one around who wanted to deal with the clean up.

The slaves were branded like merchandise.
Burnt by heated iron symbols (usually owner’s initials) into their skin.

They’d be shown and “tested” in front of potential buyers
then whipped back into their stalls.

Beautiful, huh?

Brazil, at the time, was whored out for its sugarcane.
“White Gold”

But I like to call it “Blood Crystals”

It was used by the rich to sweeten food and for medicines.
As there was no refrigeration, sugar was also used to help mask the taste of rotting food.


The slave owners were allowed to beat, sell and kill their slaves without repercussion as they were considered property, so they could

do with them as they pleased.

Some forms of punishments included whippings
(which were sometimes followed by applying salt and pepper to open wounds)
slitting of ears
and any form of torture that would suit their fancy.

Not much has changed today in regards to modern day slaves.
The forms of mistreatment and exploitation have just taken different forms.

Since it was OK for such oppression and cruelty to fellow (powerless) human
beings in the past

I say we flip history on its ass and take back control from vicious

and give them the treatment they so JUSTLY deserve.

We can call it: The Evolution and Progression of Good over Evil.

Slaves who became pregnant would intentionally abort themselves so their children wouldn’t have to go through the same diabolical fate.
I actually wish this was still a popular solution because one large problem with human trafficking today is parents selling their children for profit or because they can not afford another mouth to feed.

Trust me, DEATH before birth is a MUCH better outcome than the life these children are forced/sold into.

Let’s hit up on the Catholic Church a bit.
Shall we?


The High All Mighty C. Church turned a blind eye when it came to the fornication and breeding between the Europeans and slaves.
Most of the children from these interactions were placed right into slavery.
Like nothing.

Like BUSTING a fucking load and creating a life without worth or importance.
Just another slave.

That’s some WHACKED out shit, don’t you think?

The C. Church lovingly used their powers to make slavery acceptable and justifiable as to help spread the faith making it obligatory for slave owners to

baptize their slaves.
Peachy, no?

A RELIGION used and manipulated for alterior motives?
You DON’T SAY?!?!!?

Shocking, huh?

How so many can put their faith in religion with such a seedy and evil past, is beyond me.


Cult sheep.

Greed. Manipulation. Power.

(I can go on and on, but this isn’t an entry about the Catholic Church)

Wouldn’t it have been nice if everyone just respected each other’s land and spaces from the very beginning? Left well enough alone.
Left greed behind. Left CONQUERING behind and just lived peacefully and civilly sharing the same earth?

“Playing fair.”

But no.

We gotta bully and take advantage of the weak.

Not much has changed today.
Why would we expect it to?

Slowly, slowly we seem to be making steps to better our surroundings
but have we really come that far?

With the greed of humanity
have our achievements really been GOOD?

We’ve basically pushed many groups of people into near extinction
fucked up the ecosystem
and continuously, without pause, pollute the earth.

Soon, all the world will be is one big pile of shit.
(biological and inanimate)

Congratulations HOMOSAPIENS!

At present, we have created a monster.
A world where we are falling deeper and deeper into technological addictions.
We are moving further and further away from our natural resources and human contact.

Why have we focused so highly on the advancement of technology
(mind-numbing distractions)

when humans remain so paralyzed and behind in regards to the positive advancements of their souls?

I passed out yesterday watching a documentary:

Batman Unmasked: The Psychology of the Dark Knight

It was really good.

Interesting how much thought is placed into the characters.

I have a newfound appreciation for the superhero

and have decided to, from here on in, go by the name of


Watch the doc, and you’ll totally understand.
That is, if you don’t understand the character already.

I woke up a few hours later.
It was 12:30AM.
From then on, I was up til 5AM with this ideas flashing through my head
for this present blog
made the appropriate notes and finished it off today.
I hope you’ve enjoyed.

Thanks for stopping by, as usual, and for your time.
Be BETTER than yesterday, today and even BETTER than tomorrow, as each day is blessed upon you.

You can actually watch the BATBITCH inspired documentary here if you’d like:



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All I Have Are Tears.

I tried to watch something to take my mind away. I put on Story of Us. Remember that movie? I used to watch it over and over to get away from the drama. From the chaos. From the darkness we found ourselves in. However, the internet at the hotel or my laptop, don’t know which bloody-ass one, IS NOT working correctly so I popped the only DVD I have available…


It’s a story about a girl who’s trafficked into the sex industry of Cambodia. Baby, I don’t understand how shit like this exists. How can people be sick enough to BUY a child, SELL a child and treat a FUCKING child like a god damn rag doll? This is the kind of world we live in baby.

While the tears begin to fall, as I’m a damn masochist and must remind myself of the world’s ills so I can gain the strength to BUILD up THE ANGER to reach for the desire to press on…I remembered Al. I remember that he finally died. I wanted to look up the dates, but instead came face to face with an email you once sent me…back in 2006. (The year of the email sent me into tears. OMG. I can’t believe so many years have gone by. In a few more years we’ll be going on 10 years. Will we ever make it?) I have each and every email, from every account, ever sent from and written by you. I’ve even kept the old prepaid cuz I dare not lose your texts.

I don’t want you to relive it. I know you’ve probably become numb by now…but this email just flashes the pic of you that I have, of you and your mom…when you were young. So young, cute, precious and innocent and all I see are these scenes. The shit that you went through…

and you become closer to me than ever before and more than anything, I just wanted you here to hold in my arms.

All I’ve ever wanted was your endless happiness and in turn, it takes away my tears…but the “evils” and selfishness in this world FIGHT, corrupt and prey on purity. Why’s that?
Thank you for this. Maybe this will help shed light upon an ignorant world and we can help save others from going through such unthinkable circumstances. It’s 12:38am. I should get to bed. Eyes are all puffy and red. UGH. I’mma make shit better tomorrow. I will baby. – Love you.
**Email to me**

Hello beautiful. How was your weekend?
Mine could have been better, I’ve been in bed sick all day today.
I’m waiting for —- to come home, so I thought I’d try and write you about my past.
I’m not sure where to start so I guess I start from the beginning.

I was 8 years old when it all started, we were living in NH.
Mom hurt her back so she was in the hospital.
That’s when Al pushed me up agents the wall and kissed me and tried to touch me.
He stopped because I started to cry and I went running to my room.

Then one night shortly after that I woke up because I felt something and I was wet.
I woke up and he was in my room looking at me.
I told Mom when she got home and he said it must have been the dog.
So Mom gave our dog away and thing were OK till we moved to Florida.

I was in 3rd grade when it started again.
He started by telling me stories about other fathers and daughter that did stuff together.
How it wasn’t wrong and that it meant they loved each other more.
He would read me things out of the bible and out of these sex books he use to bye.
He would always tell me how beautiful I was and how much he was in love with me.
He would take pictures of me naked and tell me how I should be in magazines.
At that time he would only touch me with his hands.

Then one day my sister said she had to talk to my Mom alone and I could be in the room.
So when they were done talking, I told Mom I had something I need to tell her too.
She took me in her room and I told her what Al had been doing to me.
I guess my sister was listening at the door because she came rushing in.
She was crying and she said she was going to kill him.
Mom told us to calm down and said she would talk to him.
Al said none of it was true and he didn’t know what I was talking about.

My sister watched over me and he left me alone till after Christmas.
Christmas morning after we opened our gifts Christina said she was moving back with dad.
She had been talking with dad about helping me and had mailed her down a ticket.
We drove her to the airports and I cried the whole way.
She said she was going to get me help and she would come back for me.
Mom had to pull me off of her because I didn’t want to let her go.
I kept telling her Please don’t leave me!
I knew if she left it would all start again and it did.

After my sister left things got worse.
He told me if I ever said anything he would kill my dad and my sister.
That’s when he started having sex with me.
He said he was doing it so I would know how to take care of a man when I got older.
He also said he didn’t wanted my first time to be bad because it would hurt.

Soon after my sister left a lady came down to talk to me, her name was Amy.
Mom told me she was coming and that she would be asking me all kinds of questions.
She told me if I told Amy the thing I told her about Al that he would go to jail and they would take me away from her, so when Amy came down I lied about everything.
Amy when back to my dad and told him she thought I was fine.
Everyone then thought my sister lied and that I was fine.

Mom and Al then said I couldn’t talk to them anymore
They use to have me write letters to my dad telling him I didn’t love him anymore and that Al was my new dad now. I thought it was best my dad and sister wasn’t in my life anymore because that way they couldn’t get hurt.

I think I was about 13 the next time I told my Mom it was still happening.
After Al was done having sex with me one day he pulled out a gun.
I grabbed the phone and hid in the house and called Mom at work.
She came rushing home and I told her what had been happening.
She started to cry and we sat down with Al to talk about it.
Al looked right at Mom and said “I love you Donna but I’m in love with Stephanie.
We left that night and stayed with my aunt Debbie.
Al and my Mom talked it over and he said it would stop, so we went back home.

He stopped for a few months but then it got even worse.
He then said I had to pay for things and sex was the price.
He would rape me every Wednesday and if I couldn’t for any reason I had to make up for it the next week.
He said that Mom want to join in but only if I said yes, I said no.

It wasn’t till about 7th grade that something was said again.
My best friend at the time said something to her Mom and she reported it.
Mom picked me up from school and said we needed to talk.
She said we were on our way to talk to some lady and asked me if Al was still touching me.
I started to cry and told her everything.
She then said that it was my choice on how we would handle it.
I could tell this lady everything but we would loose everything and he would go to jail or I could lie and we could handle it at home.

So I lie again and we went home and talked about it.
This time he admitted it and told my Mom he was in love with me but it would stop.

Things never stopped and I was being rapped about once or twice a week and some times more.
It wasn’t till my sister called me one day telling me about some law that says if you don’t report a crime within 7 year then you cant report it at all.

I told her not to worry and that I had plenty of time.
She started to cry and asked me when was the last time he touched me.
It took a while but I finally told her it happen just last night.
Her and her husband at the time talked me into calling the police that night.
She had me call 911 so it would be on a recording, that way they couldn’t get me to lie again.

Al and Mom got home before the police got there so I went to my room and stayed on the phone with my sister.
When the police got there Al knew what was happening, he just looked at me and asked why.
We all went down to the police station and I had to be interviewed.
They put me in a room with two male police officers and I had to tell them everything in detail.
Al pled guilty and went to jail.

We lost everything and had to move in with my grandma.

Mom still talked to him on the phone and we would drive to see him all the time.
Mom and grandma would fight all the time because she didn’t want me going up there.
That’s when I tried to kill myself.
I couldn’t take all the fighting and I didn’t know what to do or how to feel about anything.

I didn’t stop talking and going up to the jail till I got pregnant with — 2 years later.
I got into a big fight with Mom because I didn’t want him to know I was having a baby.
I knew he would get out someday and I didn’t want him to hurt her.|
I ended up moving out with Mike and Mom finally stopped talking to him.

Well, I guess that’s about it.
I couldn’t remember if I told you all this or not before.
This is just the short story of what happened to me.
If I was to go into detail it would take me forever and I’m sure you don’t want to hear it all.

I just don’t know how to deal with some things.
I don’t know what’s the right thing to do, think and feel about things.
All I want is to be happy and I feel if I don’t change I never will be.
I have lived my whole life living for others that I’m just dead inside.

I hope this will somehow help you understand me and maybe you’ll be able to help me find some answers.

If you change your mind and don’t want me to talk to you about this anymore, please let me know and I’ll understand.

Hope you are having sweet dreams and I’ll hear from you soon.

Love always, YBE


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