(Bringin’ a little of the ole Crazy to 365)
Oct 23, 2010
Bought my VERY first Penthouse Magazine today.
Two of my friends, one a very close one, purchased the Penthouse brand about 6 years ago. Let’s just say, in MY BOOK, this UPPED their coolness factor by mountains. Ha ha Attended the 2008 Adult Entertainment Expo, in VEGAS, with them and a buncha friends. VIP, all the way, PENTHOUSE style! Crazy times.
Tera Wray (great kisser) ha ha She caught my attention. Awesome outfits and the COOLEST BOOTS!
Last pic was a VIP party at Tao. (Jenna Jameson, maybe you’ve heard of her)
Let’s get back to the actual magazine. Here’s what I’ve learned after my very first Penthouse Magazine read through:
1. By page 4, under the heading “Three For All” I learn of a thoughtful girlfriend that decides to give her “girl on girl + guy” porn watching man, a “girl on girl + man” experience for his birthday. Awwww. L’amore.
2. From the section “Full Frontal –Revealing Entertainment” I read about upcoming movies, new album releases, comic books, porn star memoirs and novels.
3. Under “Servicing Your Needs – Life on the Top” I discover heaven on wheels, to me at least, that’s NOT a sportbike. The scrumptiously sexy Confederate P120 Fighter Combat. If someone wishes to grant me the $80,000 beauty, I won’t hate ya for it.
I’m also introduced to a variety of new electronics, incluing the new 3-d laptop by Toshiba. The Satellite A665 priced at $1600.
4. Next on the list of interesting reads, “Dick School” (excuse the suddenness of the “D” word, but we are speaking Penthouse here) which includes an article on and 6 tips from a former sex surrogate. Guys, here are your tips:
1. STOP thinking about your penis
2. DON’T obsess over your orgasm
4. WASH your ASS (Like, ewwwwwww)
5. WASH your HANDS
6. PRACTICE with condoms
7. LIGHTEN UP!
For the explanations on each tip, I’m sorry, you’ll just have to run out there and grab November’s edition.
5. After the cozy “Dick School” article, BAM! There it is. Like, THERE IT IS. Starting with Southern Comfort. No, not the drink. Briana Blair. Penthouse sure doesn’t leave much for the imagination! I’m not sure what else there is to reveal, really. Only thing separating the images from a gynecological exam is a damn speculum!
6. Then, just like flipping over the upper 500 sections (adult programming) of Direct TV to channel 600 (Sports Mix Channel) I’m greeted with “Mettle Testers” an article about the 10 most grueling
and rugged endurance races around the world. Following that article, is PG rated content like video game reviews and Morgan Freeman. (Which, by my opinion is a MAJOR BONER KILL!) Morgan Freeman? A big ass full page picture, of MORGAN FREEMAN. Really? I sense the workings of a SICK, very SICK, joke here.
7. A few pages later, I’m greeted by the absolutely sensational Phoenix Marie. Stunning. A face and blue eyes that’ll just imprison your focus. Gorgeous gal and, might I add, looks EXTRAODINARY wet. Enjoy 9 full pages and a two-sided centerfold. She reminds me of an old friend of mine. Hmmmmmm. Wonder if she’s failed to mention a new career move? Her dream vacation spot is Italy (as she has Italian roots) Hey, I was planning on hitting Milan, what’s another plane ticket? Ha ha And she just went scuba diving, in the BAHAMAS, loved it and can’t wait to go back. Looks like I’mma have to get “IN TOUCH” with this little 5’9” lassie as I’m heading to the Bahamas Thursday.
8. If you can manage to pull yourself away from November’s delicious Pet of the Month, you’ll read about a Japanese porn star/grad student, Anri Suzuki, who, after reading about Japan’s 1937 invasion of China, has offered to fuck, yes, fuck every Chinese student studying in Japan as reparation! Wow.
9. Janessa Brazil’s (take a guess as to where she’s from, and I’m sure…that’s her real name and all) favorite fantasy is about hot sex between a secretary and her boss.
10. Lastly, I’ve learnt where I’ll be in February. The New Orleans Penthouse Club Gold G-String Awards where a dozen or so of the nation’s top exotic dancers converge and compete. The whole idea just seems rather enlightening. No?
A favor, for anyone that may cross her path, I met her between 2004-2006, ALWAYS forgetting her name, **about 45 minutes of internet searching later** Jessica Drake! (I was looking under the wrong porn company. Happens, right?) Anyways, she – no information further – took my favorite white cotton laced butterfly g-string and, I would like to have it back. (Met her randomly one night in Florida)
Her name, and Kobe Tai were the first porn star names I ever came across. It started in 1997 when someone asked ME if I was Kobe Tai. Oh giggles. And I just remembered the Kobe Tai one because I came across it during my search for Jessica Drake. I’m tellin ya, I’m HORRIBLE with names.
After my 2008 SUBMERSION into the porn industry, my view has changed. I’m a lot more open-minded towards the whole industry, even though there’s still more darkness than light in it.
Ending off with Mary Carey, my Pine Crest School (boarding school days) Chemistry lab partner.
Thanks again for stopping by!!! Hope ya had fun. 🙂
RIP Bob Guccione