Category Archives: Mental Chaos

Transforming Transitions of Transient Travels Thru Solitary Sediments of Existence Eventually Emerging Blissfully Content, Free and Smiling. BE JEALOUS.

I think I just hit a record for title length!

I just closed my eyes, typed, and deleted…
which gave me two “déjà vu” moments.


I’m listening to Jewel’s “Foolish Games” right now.
I’ve included the video below. I forgot about her wonky tooth.
I love it. I hope she never decides to “fix” it to conform to the “norm’s” view
of perfection.
I find it perfectly, precious.

When I was younger, it was one of the songs I used to zone out to on the piano;
from early morning 4am-ish to sunrise.
The first set of notes slides me into the music and out of “existence.”

Melodically mind-numbing, but welcomingly so.
I stopped what I was doing just now so I could ride fully with the notes as the song began again.
Man. I can’t help but smile.
“Take me” my mind says and off I go.

I have a slight headache from a little too much wine and port last night
however, with this song piping through my earphones…
my braincells are doing a graceful dance number inside of my skull
with moments of opened-armed, running towards the front of the “stage” glee
releasing me of the punishing tension and agony from the
“offensive” and demonic reactions of evil grape distillates.

I think I’ve realized WHY I love plugging in (earphones).
It’s me, blocking out the world.
Blocking out the noise of influence.
Of outside voices which wish to seep into my head and take it over.

Blocking out the world, gives me my mind back.
Gives me my peace to settle my thoughts, monitor my movements and THINK.

THINK, for myself.
Not as the “world” wishes to program it.

The world most of us live in today, is too consumed.
Consumed by useless distractions, routines and “responsibilities.”
Fruitless desires to achieve!
To control.
To gain POWER
and to then, what?
What is it that you gain, when at the end of the day…

you’re always dreaming of your “vacations?”

What about, just being?
Or living?

 When did we go from necessity being life
to life’s obsession with luxury?

Throughout my 32 years on this planet, I’ve taken breaks from the world.
I used to think they were deep depressions…which in a way, they were…
because I was just not happy with the world around me so I left it

to be on my own.
To think, to create, to “protect” myself from what it’s become?
I have managed to position myself with a lifestyle that allows me to
escape the world, when I wish.

I mold my life into what I wish it to be.
And, if I can’t in that EXACT moment, I’ll find a way to get myself there.
I don’t follow “what should bes”
I follow, “what Cara bes.”

So many people think they’ve got the “Path to Success”
all mapped out.
(And aren’t SHY about SHOVING that JOYFUL “know it all” knowledge down your throat.)
I really don’t think there is such a path, well, not society’s definition of it.
(Which starts as a failure in itself just as is.)
Life’s too unpredictable for that…so I just do as I do, and embrace whatever comes of it.

 A prime example. I had a friend who was JUST about to graduate from University as
a brain surgeon…however, before her big day, she discovered she had brain cancer
and died shortly after her diagnosis.

I’ve seen the way my aunt used to study and pin her nose into a book while I was growing up.
I’d hate to have put all that effort and sacrifice into something, just to get jipped at the end.
However, if it’s something you enjoy and are passionate about, that’s different.

Wow. How appealing???

For the most part, I’ve always done, anything I’ve wanted to
and am grateful I wasn’t born into a shackled life.
I’m not sure there’s much I’ve wanted to do and haven’t done.

There’s #1 place in a superbike race, but I’ve given myself until 35.
Need to get my ass back on the tracks soon. Time’s running out.

Stay tuned, it’ll happen.
I give myself between 1st-3rd place. Podium-level.
Ain’t about to make things TOO stressful for myself!
(Especially since I’m not “supporting” lost causes anymore)

THIS TIME, for real, I’m putting myself FIRST.
(Excluding my parents)
No more charity cases. Indy, you better help me stay strong on this one.
I’m counting on you baby!!!
My life’s filled with helping others get to where they want to be, while placing my dreams
on the back burner. I’m hoping I can finally put a stop to that silly little habit.

I won’t mind going back to it, but I’d finally like to make this one dream a reality as it’s
been one of the only unfulfilled constants in my life.
2012 baby. The Year of MY Dragon…as I like to say.

In closing, if yer stressing, if you feel my life an inspiration and don’t think
YOU can be where I am…

 Sit down, without distractions and think about the things that control you…
that you are enslaved to
and start to break free from them.

In one, broken down, “do-you-speak-English” word: SIMMM…PLIIIII…FY!!!!!!!!

These past few weeks I’ve taken a step back, shook the glitter off my distractions
and have returned, refreshed, focused and lighter
and ready to create new footsteps into a revised unknown.

Spring cleaning baby!

(Apparently, a part of this new “transformation” and “awakening” of mine, I have now
begun to speak via pictures.)

Carafuscious say………………

Have a BEAUTIFUL humpday ALL!!!!!!!!


Tags: ,

Time to give my baby some anxiety.

I love you.

Time for the weekly de-clutter.
(Wish I could hire a cyber maid, but then again…I’d have the same problem as with any maid
I don’t want people IN and touching ma shit.)


 I didn’t even notice til a few weeks ago that I was using the wrong font for my

It’s no surprise, I’m a mess…from the inside, OUT!
At least, I’m consistent.


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Posted by on April 6, 2012 in Humor, Life, Mental Chaos, Pictures, Technology


Totally FUCKED and flatlining.

Don’t you find it funny that on your worst of days where your inside is crumbling your outside can reflect the total opposite? I just came back from the bathroom and caught myself in the mirror.
Hair’s perfect, skin’s fresh…


Totally FUCKED and flatlining.

I’ve decided to go mute for a few days.
No Facebook, no emails, no verbal noise, just me and my tunes.

I’m writing this in pieces, throughout my day.
Just bumped into someone who’s been staying at the hotel…
“Wow, you’re looking very nice today!”

I guess it’s a good thing my outside doesn’t reflect my inside.
I’d probably look like a zombie.
(Thinking of my girl Diana – Sorry I didn’t announce my departure personally!
I’ll make it up to you!!!)

I am getting slightly better as the day progresses.
Detaching is always a refreshing thing, whenever it can be done.

Sometimes while trying to put fires out and save the world around me…
I forget about the most important person, in MY world.


So, gonna give Cara some much needed Me, Myself and I time.
Tonight, I cancelled on my friend Natalie, one of my favorite additions here in Holland.

Sorry my love, WILL definitely make it up to you!

I over-extend myself, A LOT. So, when the time comes where I need to just
SHUT DOWN. I do. Cuz if not, I’ll BREAK DOWN.
I’ve been sitting staring at a calendar of April for DAYS trying to figure out what the best
plan of attack is. I think I just came up with an attractive solution!!

It works for ME and my peace of mind.
I was burning mental calories trying to figure out a way to make EVERYONE
happy and I felt I was suffocating and ramming myself into walls of frustration.
So now, I choose to breathe and choose, me.

Ahhhh. Mental clarity and selfishness. Feels good.
You gotta, it’s balance and self-preservation.
This is what happens when you don’t have so many
– as Rick likes to call all the weights I put on my shoulders –
“arrows” coming your way. I’m only dealing with one.

ME…and from beginning to end…
(of this blog)

I must admit, the Cara on the inside is starting to reflect the Cara on the outside.


Have a good day folks!!!

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Posted by on April 3, 2012 in Happiness, Life, Mental Chaos, Writing


32 years Ago…I woulda said, “ABORT!”

I don’t know what all this “hooplah” about abortion is.
I mean, yeah. Don’t fucking use it as a type of birth control…
but shit.

I’d rather have NOT existed, than exist.
I remember a common phrase I used to use with my mom:

“I didn’t ask to be here.”

That idiot sperm, was just doing as its originator

The dopey, tadpole-like, mindless spec just wanted to poke.
He didn’t know his power, or the results of his actions.
He was just out with his gang, swimming up and around a woman’s
inner lady bits…

 and POW.


You, Me…everyone around us.

But, here I am.
So, making the best of it with as many smiles as possible.
Every day, the world shows me sadness…and every moment, is another battle to rise above it.

Happy Friday.
I hope it’s a good one.

** If ignorance is bliss, how do you go back, to UN-knowing? **

Ha ha I like this pic.

Yesterday morning…after my numbers blog…
I opened my stats up to this

I’m tellin’ you. Shit haunts me.
Maybe one day, it’ll all makes sense.

Or I die, and no longer have to be shadowed by the memories.


Posted by on March 30, 2012 in Happiness, Life, Mental Chaos


Somebody……FUCK ME. Seriously. OMG.

Cuz I’m tired of all the shit I gotta do to get this little bitch!!!!!

Day 2:

I think I need to listen to some Enya or something.
I’m serious. Youtubin’ NOW!


This song’s a bit too “fairy, I skip in the woods among the misty fog” for me…
but I shall find a soothing Celtic concoction to ease my frustrations!

I started off with this song this morning:

I was on a high. I was pumped…I began an EPIC blog entry which I will hopefully finish today…
but it’s a real eye opener, so will be released when perfect because it is in relation to a very
serious matter that is generally misunderstood.

I swear. It feels like this camera and I are just not destined to be!
I got all excited, they had 4 in stock…as opposed to running out on me yesterday.
(Sales guy on phone was right, they got a shipment in today)
As I clicked “Make Payment” all psyched they take AMERICAN credit cards…


I got the above screen.

I can’t order with a US card OUTSIDE of the US.

The spirits of Ireland…
come to me.

Before I fuckin’ rip the skin off of a poor soul who makes an annoying joke.



Back in the Day…You were my Inspiration

(July 2nd, 2005)
This pic reminded me of my Ferrari shirt. Just remembered you fucked it up! BITCH!
Still love you though.
You sweet, adorable PAIN IN MY ASS!

The sun has risen again…and I am here to greet it.
Woke up at 6AM!
Couldn’t sleep.
Got my period…so, guess that was my body telling me “A Change is About to Occur”
My body’s good to me like that.
It used to catch me off guard…but now, it treats me with respect and lets me know its intentions.

 Went through old pics last night.


We went on a wild journey with one another.
Spastic, sporatic, special and sane-less.  lol

 Two minds with only one focus…

Now, split, and heading off into the woods on their own fresh path…wherever it may lead.
No hand to hold…just Self…alone…as we were born.

As we were created.

 Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
As we come in…we must go out.
What goes up…must come down…

But does it????


Sparks from my mind to my fingers, tippin’ the keys.
Natural flow.
Here you go.


Particles of connectivity…energy…power.

Less prowess…sell to prowl.

Smokey, smokey…drink it up
Come here baby…closer up
See the distance….
See the light…
Hold on baby…
Hold on tight
Rule the beings
Rule the sea
Love all creatures
And you’ll be free
Bring me heaven
Bring me hell
What’s the difference?
Can we tell?
Heated basements…
Cold wood floors
Locked out dungeons
Milky doors
Drift into the ocean
Drift into the sea
Get lost inside the music
And come float the world with me.
Can’t wait to hear your creations
The bolts of inventions from your mind
So I can consciously fall
And leave this world behind
Take me by the hand
And walk right by my side
Wrap your arms around me
And get on for the ride
Close your eyes and fly
Boundless beings rising high
Past the heavens…
Above the sky
Thru the levels
Thru the air
Fair Air
Air up there
Adepting to clouds
Lucidly solid
Lucidly seen
Powerful night
Powerful beings
Heaven sent
Red, yellow and green
Emptiness in sorrow
Sadness that can’t be seen
No happiness left to borrow
Intimidating confidence
Soul crashing into a wreck
Infinite intelligence
Keeping my loose emotions in check
Digging holes in the sand
Buying clothes, neglecting the brand
Typing with my fingers
Moving my hands
Throwing away addictions
Tossing out the cans
Piping up the cream
Staying steady on the dream
Ice cream
Sliding doors
Shifting shelves
Frosty shores
Foreign wars
Leaky people
Freaky pores
The sores
But adores and deplores
And explores the outdoors
But ignores the underscores
In my head…
Red like my blood
Red like I bled
Holding on
Gripping to a thread
Heading towards a future
That I dread
Dread head
Dread locks
With the mind
With the spirit
With the soul
Reading the scrolls
Reading the whole
Just rolling with the punches
Just rolling with no control
Hard coal
Coals of heat
Drum rolls
Rolls drumming the beat
Life seems simple
Life seems sweet
Duck around the corner…
Trying to find a fast cheat
Under the elite
Frozen in the retreat
Juices we secrete
People we meet
Holding back our SELVES
Attempting to be discrete
Nothing solid
Nothing concrete
Places to live
Living on the street
Living on the edge
Tipping off the ledge
Life’s about to be sledged
Sledge hammer
Sledge hammered
Taken aback
Taken away
Soft like clay
You sway
You stray
You play
You pray
You’re prey
You’re preyed upon
Like demon spawn
Waking up in the day
Hailing the dawn
Night’s disappeared
Darkness is gone
Light up the abyss
Skip in the bliss
Existing to reminisce
Past recollection
Recalling the past
Passing the history
History in the making
Making your destiny
Destiny owning your
Reasoning incorrectly
Correctly unreasoning
Unknown reasons
Fallen seasons

** Just playing the game **

(When I wrote this, this song played and I noticed the beat goes real well with a few
lines above. Got the perfect speed. Try it. On the 17th sec
where the beat drops in…start “Smokey, smokey..drink it up”
I’ve been meaning to tweek it to totally work as a rap…

Life happened.

If it doesn’t make sense to you, doesn’t matter…cuz it made sense to us.


I really gotta stop watching things that make me cry.

I’m a tough little cookie.
Don’t let the tears fool you.
There are just certain things that just tug at the heart strings which turn on the flow.

My mom used to be a main one.
Still is I guess.
I dunno.

Guess there’s some real trauma in there somewhere.
I remember one time, one of my exes and I were at a friend’s house.
As I was hearing how dedicated his mother was to him and his happiness…
I started to tear up.

Cuz I thought that was beautiful…
and plus, I guess, a part of me wished my mother was like that.
I dunno.
It was too long ago to remember the exact feeling.
But I began to tear up.

When we left the house, my girlfriend yelled at me for tearing up.

That’s why she’s an EX.
Heartless wench.

Then, there’s suffering.
I think my compassion meter is set too damn high.

I have a HIGH pain tolerance.
I don’t cry, but laugh in the face of pain.
Like, literally.

I was a tomboy growing up, I felt I always had to be tougher than the guys.
Tougher, better, stronger, faster.
Well, that all changed after puberty.


Naturally stronger.

Grrrrr. I hate you.

Whenever I’d have a bad fall and injure myself, I’d just laugh it off.
Never cry.
Just laugh.
And depending on the injury, hop up and down yelling obscenities.

I’ve stood up to big ass men
and even broke a police officer’s arm once.

I’m a toughy.

ha ha

So these tears man?
I dunno.

I just…


Guess it gives me my softer side so I can still be considered human.

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Posted by on January 30, 2012 in Injustice, Life, Mental Chaos