Category Archives: Love & New Beginnings

Hey Beautiful…(thinking of you)

Hey beautiful

How was your day today?

Did you look in the mirror and smile
Cuz you saw, what I see in you?

How do you feel today?

Are you bubbling with joy
Cuz you’ve discovered what I’ve known, all along?

How was your night?

Did you fall asleep with a grin
Cuz you realized your effect on the world around you?

I thought of you last night, like I think of you always.
Just knowing you exist, brings me happiness…

But knowing of your sadness

Brings me pain.

I hope you woke up with the sunrise not only outside your window

But also within your soul.

Hey beautiful…

Never forget.

How beautiful you are.

I love you.

Found this spot on our bike ride.
Pretty kewl stuff.
When I pulled myself up on this thing and balanced on the little ledge…
I must admit, I amazed myself.
But, reasoning doesn’t set in faster than action when it comes to “ideas” that pop into my head.
Thought -> Action -> Can I do it?
A rather unhealthy order of mental approach.
But, I’m still here.

Me…and my “HAPPY” place.


My Head is About to Explode!

Woke up at 7AM to finish sorting out the mess in the livingroom
and pack.

The morning started off well, even hopped out to get me an
Iced Grande Soy White Chocolate Mocha
from Starbucks.

Bumped into about 5 people I knew.
2 people I had a pretty lengthy convo with not having the SLIGHTEST
clue who they were but I recognized their faces.

I’m so bad with that.
I need a memory card in my head just to store names, faces and background info.
Got home though, and had an “aha!” moment with one of the two.
Now I remember who they are.


Had a very enjoyable convo with a “friend.”
The day was just ROLLIN’ through like nobody’s business.

Then, I dunno what happened.
Maybe the caffeine started kicking in…
but shit took a weird spin.

Headaches started pouring in and now, I’ve reached my…
I don’t give a fuck zone.
Not gonna stress…

NOT gonna think.
Just gonna grab my bags, go to the airport and face whatever comes…when/if it does.
Everything that could go wrong, or “not come together” is.


Happy day!

ha ha

Erika…we gettin’ a drink once I touchdown in Nassau!!!!

My babygirl. I know I’m not supposed to post this pic, but it’s just too cute.
If the “evil” come across my blog and see we met up, of fuckin’ well.
What are they gonna do about it now?
I’m done hiding.



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Need Time for my NEW Relationship

This is gonna be fast.
Rushing out the house. Gonna head out on the boat.
Was rustled out of my peaceful tanning session poolside…
(even though I warned folks to NOT disturb me!!!)


My parents are heading out on the boat with friends
and asked me to go.
So, I’m going.

(No, not THIS kinda relationship!! PSSSHT!)

I was never the main relationship in my parents life…
and they, consequently, were never mine.

Until now.

We are all putting in the effort, so I can’t shoot them down when they reach out.
On a last minute request, spent the day with them yesterday as well.
Or, at least, a good amount of hours.

When I was younger, they were busy with their businesses and social schedules
and well, I had motorcycles starting from the age of 4.

Needless to say, the door of the house was like a revolving door.
Constantly turning.
No one existing inside for too long…

Thereby, not much me and them time.
Then, I went off to school at 14

and well

that was basically it.

I stayed in the US for a good amount of time after high school
and never quite made the Bahamas my home again.

I don’t ever want to regret NOT taking the time out for my parents…

so this is why

I have now made them my MAIN relationship.
I’ve been lost in so many, putting them on the back burner.
Whether they be girlfriends, or just friends.

Time to be more conscious of my choices in life…

cuz, well, we don’t live forever now do we?

Right, gotta run.

Happy Second Day of 2012!


Mommy and daddy.


I’m Being Unfaithful

One time, I was caught up in a 3 way tug-of-war.
One I thought I ended, another that had already begun and then YOU coming back into my life.
3 people I cared for and loved.
3 people I wanted to keep happy.

And there I was, stuck as to who to choose.

In the end, someone always gets hurt
and that’s why I’ll NEVER get “dating.”

I can’t give myself “partially”
it just doesn’t seem fair.
Enjoying a nice evening with one person
then another with the next.

Unless, that is…it’s just “fun”
Commitment is not the game and each of you know the “rules.”

My door is still cracked open to you so I’m shut off to the “world”
until I can finally lock you out forever.

If ever.

This blog (today) was actually inspired by ME using the new 17″ Macbook Pro
I just had shipped in.

My other laptop, a Toshiba 18.4″ has not been giving me any problems lately.
It’s like, it KNEW it was about to be replaced and has been “behaving.”
It’s at Indy’s house. I left it there the other night.

I feel, guilty.
I feel like I’m cheating on my other laptop.

Time has made me forget all the HEADACHES it’s put me through.
How, after 2 weeks of getting the damn thing, it was causing me problems.
How, I treated it the BEST, out of all the others, and still
the piece of shit gave me grief.

And now, ever since I’ve threatened to replace it
it’s been performing beautifully.


Do machines have feelings?

My Mac doesn’t perform any AMAZING function that BLOWS my Toshiba out the water
so it feels I stepped up, because it’s a new “relationship”
but, not much different, just a different package.

(And NOW, I have to learn to live without my beloved RIGHT CLICK!)

Learning to adapt to my new “woman” is gonna be a pain.
Hence why it took me so long to convert.
I liked things, as is. Like, I enjoyed everything with you.
But I guess…

Sometimes, you just gotta bite the bullet and move on.

Ahhhh well. Whatever. I wanted to start 2012 fresh.
So here it goes.
Now to load the sucker up with software.

I hope my guilt doesn’t have me lugging around BOTH laptops.


Yes, it’s not a surprise.




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Posted by on December 22, 2011 in Love & New Beginnings


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Remember Me…

Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it’s very important that you do it ’cause nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says: “You’re nowhere near ready”. And the other half says: “Make her yours forever”.

You know I don’t really quote people, but the last 2 lines really jumped out at me.
My entries have started to bounce between you and the general, like I could be writing to anybody.
I’m just letting my mind and writing flow naturally.
Concentrating so much on JUST you, wasn’t the healthiest.
I need balance or my soul with shrivel up.

Those statements represent the battle I have within.

“You’re nowhere near ready.”


“Make her yours forever.”

Life’s all about timing and choices.
But good God, sometimes the choices aren’t so clear as to when the timing’s “right.”

Before, I thought I knew it all.
I thought, I could control my destiny just by my focus, desire and determination for the end result.
However, the division of our lives proves otherwise.

I haven’t been able to sleep properly since I’ve arrived in Holland.
I don’t mind so much, as I tend to find motivation to write when the world’s asleep
but, doesn’t help the painful, dulling headache I have throughout the day after being awake
during the hours my body naturally wants to sleep.

I found a box with a huge chocolate in it when I came into my hotel room today.
Tomorrow’s (the 6th of Dec) Saint Nicolas’ (Sinterklaas) birthday.
The Dutch celebrate on the eve of his birthday, today. (5th)
Festive family parties are thrown where gifts and surprises are exchanged.
(Hence, my chocolate)


Apparently, according to Dutch legend, he will spoil the children who were good
and take the BAD ones…

to Spain.

Yes, Spain.

Random, no?

He’s from Spain, unlike Santa Claus who’s from the North Pole.
Wonder if he “Habla español??”

I gotta whiff of this tradition when I went to the supermarket.
Cashiers and shelf stockers were in costumes similar to this:
(Helpers – Zwarte Piet)

Kinda freaky actually when you aren’t expecting it!

Here’s a pic of Mr. Sinterklaas himself.

There are debates whether the Dutch are being racists making the “helpers” black…
but, another take from a friend of mine today is

they are black, cuz of all the soot in the chimneys.


It’s 3:27AM.

Gonna try sleep or finish this movie I’m watching.

Yes, always romance flicks.

I told you, I’m a masochist.





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Butterflies, Dragonflies and Blue Eyes

(On my trip to Mexico)

Today, in an area with highways, buildings and construction, I was suddenly surrounded by a beautiful blend of butterflies and dragonflies. What do you think that means? They delicately danced around me, floating weightlessly and at a comfortable distance; not intruding in on my space.

Remember when mom died and everywhere we went, we saw yellow butterflies?

Her favorite?


I live on the top floor of my building, so for a moment, as it was just me, I felt lifted into a bubble of air and transported within the space they existed; just them and I, lighter than feathers.


The entire experience, which may have lasted no more than 30 seconds, had me smiling and thinking of you.

It’s been 12 years, since our first kiss and 8, since my heart became yours…

like a tattoo…





If everything, as they say, happens for a reason, let’s see if the sum of everything that pulled us apart, will eventually bring us back together.


Until then…

I push

I run

I hide

and (subconsciously I know) I wait.



Like Sinead O’Connor sang, years ago…NOTHING compares.

Living for your happiness and surrounded by your love, smiles, laughter and arms…

Fueled the best in me and for 8 years, I’ve been running. Running away, from the emptiness that lurks around random corners, pouncing on me when I least expect it. It is in these moments, I wish the most to dissolve. Stop, DROP, exhale and dissolve back into US. 


You are the only destination I’ve found so far that brings me everlasting peace and, even if for just one day, I’d give everything I have to visit you


because when I had nothing, I had everything…


I had you.




I love you, my blue eyes.

Always, always and always.


In Another Life……..

God, I’m a masochist.
Listening to the song again.
Everytime I hear the “In another life” part

it sinks my heart a bit.

Cuz I don’t CARE about the OTHER life.
I was placing all my bets on this one.

I’m scared to be making the biggest mistake of my life
but I have to start to live
and waiting for the unknown…

eats away at all the days my heart stays stagnant and trapped.


How’s mom?
Do you guys get to be alone and talk about me?


All the time! She tell me she misses you and always askes how you are doing.
I told her we talk every day. She was shocked.
She askes me about your girlfriend and wants to know if your happy. I just say I think so.
I took a pic of mom amd mike so you can see how bad they are.
Mom is always in pain and Mike isn’t doing any better.
I don’t talk to her about there health any more because it doesn’t do any good.
They are both going down hill FAST. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.
Kaylie has been doing ok. She does her best in school and has been doing good at home.
I don’t know what has been going on with her lately. I wish I had more time to spend with her.
Mike always gets her on the weekends and she has so much homework during the week I don’t get to do much with her. I took some pics of her with the dog you got her. I think they are going to be cute.
She still has the butterflys hanging in her room and the lamp you got for her.
I got her a white canopy for her bed, so when you turn on the lamp her canopy glows.
Thoughts of you are all around her and she misses you a lot.
I think when you two see each other again it will be like you never left.

With all my love always, always and always, ybe


Work took all of us out for dinner in a limo after work
The other pic is of my fortune cook that night. : )
I hope my fortune comes true : )

Love always, ybe

Remember the book deal I was offered, when we were in Boston?
The guy that was connected with that “The Devil Wears Prada” book?
I turned it down cuz they wanted me to write a book about my sexual escapades.
Their words exactly:



It was a quick, “NO”
You know why?
Kaylie was 9 then. I didn’t want for her to know me for such a book.
To be able to have access to something like that, about me.
They all said that it was to get my name out FIRST
then after that, I can write what I TRULY wanted to write about.

 Now, however, Kaylie will be 16 this December.
And trust me, she ain’t no angel anymore.

As I said, she’s a WHOLE HELL of a LOT like me.
It’s like I came and left a mark of me in her
and throughout the years, I’m always left amazed.
She will never not be “my girl”

Cuz fuck, who can deny it?

With the mentality of I’ve been there before, I can do it again
and releasing “What’s Meant to Be”

I’ll reach out and run to everything I’ve always said I’d do one day
without abandon

and show you

What happens, when you believe.
When you HOLD on to HOPE.
When the world becomes your tool and not just a place you exist in.

Baby, so many things are possible.
You just gotta bring the dreamer back



In another life?

In THIS life.

Excuse me, I gotta take over the world now.



R.I.P. Momma.
Finally getting her to the Bahamas.


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Posted by on November 21, 2011 in Life, Love & New Beginnings