I arrived in Holland on the 27th of February.
From the moment I stepped onto the flight from Newark to Amsterdam…
my life began to transform.
Days before my trip, I commanded myself
to return, full force and completely dive into life…
instead of locking myself away from it.
This blog has proven itself to be both a curse and a blessing.
It helped absorb my entire being so far into certain aspects of my life
that I’ve resurfaced
Unstoppable, on top of the galaxies, blanketed by an endless peace and clarity to
where, I’m as the song – playing through my skull right now – states:
Safe from any attack that comes my way.
Mentally, at least.
Fire away, fire away!
When you claw your way down to the deepest, loneliest foundations of
everything you are, everything that you’ve been and everything that’s injured and
darkened you along the way…
you experience a certain freedom
if you make it out the other end…
towards, “the light.”
Since 2003, I’ve had an existence, an incomplete piece of me, shadowing my every step.
This blog started out as a dedication to that piece.
2003 was also the year I took my life…
but the world wasn’t ready for me to leave.
In the medical field, I’m considered a “miracle.”
I’m more alive today, than I’ve been, possibly ever.
It’s cuz I let go. I’ve finally let go of the item of my obsession.
The “circle” I felt was meant to be and worth fighting for…living for…
2013 would be a decade!
This wouldn’t be the first time I’ve let go, but this is my most complete detachment.
Everytime I opened up my hands and released the future I believed was meant to be
and the future I believed I could create just because it was pure
just because I had the drive
just because I felt, we’ve come so far, fought so hard
loved beyond sight and gone through SO much
just because I felt evil is NOT supposed to prevail…
the world showed me, it’ll be ok, and rains the sweetest droplets of strength, happiness and unimaginable opportunities
upon the once dry, cracked, weakened roads in which I walked
and hinted to me, each time..
to just let go.
Let go, and “I” shall provide.
The more we try to control our lives, the more the world seems to want to get in the way.
So that’s why, I now flow.
I’ve gained the wisdom, that I can do my best and give it my all…
but if it’s not meant to be, it won’t.
Killing yourself fighting an uphill battle, in the rain, through slippery mud
while tree trunks, stones, cars and countless other debris roll down your path
leaving you in the same spot, no matter how hard you muscle your way towards the top
is a sign.
Because you aren’t progressing.
Life is passing you by as you are deadlocked on this one focal point.
Close your eyes, shake your head
and open your eyes again…
to the bigger picture.
Relax your sight…
and just accept the moment
I haven’t written like this is a while, because I was allowing myself a break
from the things that concern me the most in the world around me.
The “evils” in which I want to extinguish.
The strings I thought I could eventually strengthen and reel in.
The pieces to my whole, for almost 10 years, I felt
were my destiny.
A part of me, yet no longer towing me away from my present.
As I said, right now, I’m STACKED with chaos.
With the lives of others on my shoulders.
To the most extreme levels I’ve ever experienced.
I’m MORE than ok.
I should be having a mental breakdown…
but surprisingly, worries came and gone and I’m light as a feather…
floating almost as if I had NOT a care in the world.
Maybe someone slipped me some Prozac?
I had an entirely different entry to write about today
was thinking about merging it with this one…
but there are too many pictures
and I’m done.
I don’t force my writings.
I kinda used to, because I wanted to stick to the 365 days…
but now, I let it flow
From my mind to my fingers…to you.
Today, went from amazing to disastrous to UNBELIEVABLY incredible.
So, I will eventually share.
But I want it shared properly. So, I’ll most likely post tomorrow…
and I’d appreciate if you’d check in, cuz it’s kinda special to me.
One hint about tomorrow’s entry is it has to do with my new number:
Sit tight, K?
And, HAPPY HUMP DAY!
If you didn’t catch it when I first posted the song, here’s the vid.
Pretty awesome cuz it’s the actual video.
When I posted it, they didn’t release one as yet. So, enjoy.