Squashing Anticipation

29 Feb

I never really expect much, from my life.
I just live it.
A lot of times when I go on group trips
I get nervous and start stressing about what’s going to happen
what clothes do I need

Then, I come to my senses and just GO.
Squash the obsessive “thinking.”

Life is a mind game.
You gotta know how to battle it.
Which battles to fight, which ones to just let go of and where to compromise.

I don’t remember getting excited over trips.
Maybe when I was younger…
but for me, I take trips like people go out for a nice dinner.

If you keep going and if it becomes routine
it loses its luster.
To me, traveling is almost like a job.
A must.

I love my friends and try to spend the most time possible with each and every one of them. As I continue to travel and add more to the herd…
my life becomes more and more hectic.

365 days in a year.
(Well, I get an extra day this year!! Woohooo!!!)
The earth is almost 8,000 miles from point to point around the equator
and there are about 2469501 cities in the world.

OK, maybe I don’t have friends in ALL those cities…
but shit.
10% of the world’s cities takes you to 25,000.

I’ve got ONE me.

When I say my friends are my everything…
they are.

My parents and my friends.
And now, since I’ve gotten a strong pull to spend more time with my parents
I have less time in the year.

In my mind already…
here is where I “need” to try and be (at the least) this year:

I was trying to fit Germany in, but the friend I was going to see…
will be moving to NYC in the next few months…so, I can just meet up with her there.
(Ahhhh…but I forgot about my friend Sasha, also in Germany…but, I think she’ll be in Cali later on this year.)
New York/New Jersey
Bahamas (as always)
(Thinking about the Dominican Republic, but it’s not as pressing)
I’ve been trying to fit Argentina in but it’s not on the hot list.
Australia (Phillip Island – track time)
My Canadian friends have been bitching about me neglecting them.
(Vancouver, Toronto and Montreal)
I want to take my parents on a trip to China…
as I don’t want to lose any of them without stepping foot on the “mainland”
I’ve been meaning to go to Kenya since last year to visit my pal Elaine from boarding school.
I see another Thailand trip in the works…the reason will reveal itself in time.

This is what I have so far.
Without thinking too much into it.
Welcome to my life.

And on top of that, I’ve added more “dependents”

My friend Indy told me last night that I can’t save ’em all.
I hate suffering.
I hate sadness.
I go above and beyond to help strangers.
Imagine the people I love?
If someone’s not happy…
I wanna know why
and I wanna fix it.

Especially if it’s someone I think deserves the world and is only getting a fraction of it.

The libra in me. Scales of justice.


I was a little off last night.
Got a 2 hour nap in and back up again.
I’ve had a rather bumpy few days.
FUN, but bumpy as well, emotionally.

It seems in life, when I’m the happiest and filled with the most
joyous moments of anticipation…

I get the hardest let down.
Like, harsh to where my heart hurts.
Crazy huh?
How something that enters the mind can cause a physical

Goes to show how stress and other negative occurrences make us sick.

2012 has turned out to be the most challenging year to date
in terms of WEIGHT on my shoulders.
But, surprisingly, I don’t feel a thing.

In actuality, I feel lighter than EVER!
I’d even go as far to say, CAREFREE!
AM I finally tippy toeing on the edges of dementia?

Cuz, with all life has thrown at me this year, I feel I should be going through a
major meltdown!

((All in the mind, is all I can think of))

I don’t see defeat. In my mind, it’s like…
“Here’s the problem.”

(to where my heart begins to race and I have a mini panic attack)

then, after it’s all absorbed
I close my eyes, take a deep breath and

work at finding a solution.

No one has ever gotten anywhere just freakin’ out over shit.
You are allowed the 5 minute “OH FUCK”
after that, shake it off and climb.
One step at a time.

And, whatever happens in the end. Happens.
All you can do, is your best.

Stressing over things beyond your control is just silly.
But we do it.
The immediate world around me, I’ve got a handle on.
It’s the BIGGER picture surrounding all of us.
The bigger picture and how FUCKED up
the world is and HOW far we are to ever coming out on the positive side of the coin.

If I were to place this as my focal point, every moment of my day
I’d shrivel into a ball and implode from the pressure I’d put on myself
cuz I’d want to find a solution.
A solution, to save the world.

I know, cuz I was almost there.

My friend/”brother” Anthony tells me I need to pick ONE cause.
The Eradication of Human Suffering.
How’s that one Ant?

ha ha ha

I have been “free” for most of my life.
Any kinda of “suffering” I’ve had, I most likely put on myself.


TO not be free.
To basically NOT be able to do anything you want at any given time.
To be under the control of someone.
To be forced into something, not only you DON’T want to do
but that brings you discomfort.
That causes you pain.
That rips to shreds the beauty of being a precious living organism…

to me, is unfathomable.

I’ve always been strong willed.
I don’t put up with shit and don’t do things that I don’t want to do.
Even when I was younger…
if I couldn’t find reason behind the rules my mother would set for me
I wouldn’t follow ’em.

I was not a bad child.
In opposition, I was actually quite the angel.

No, seriously.


It wasn’t until I was 17 where I went a bit “off.”
Which really wasn’t bad. I was just experiencing life.
I’d get into anything that struck my curiousity
and by that time, I was out on my own supporting myself…

so, my money, my rules.


I told my mom, you can’t have it both ways.
Angel young, or angel when older.
The young only last a while…the older lasts until the greys set in and beyond!
So, I feel she’s gotten the better side of the coin.

 I’ve worked and made money since I was very young.
I used to save my lunch money ($5) cuz I’d rather have the cash than lunch.

I had my own little business before I reached my teens
and my parents used to make me work during the summers and sometimes
help them out after school.

(I never got paid working for them…as it’s “family” but I had jobs outside of their companies since 11)

I did enough work before I was in my 20s…
so I guess, that’s why I’ve “retired” so young.

I probably work like people take vacations in the year.
How do I do, what I do. Beats me.



All I know, is I’d NEVER be where I am at today, without GREAT friends.
My emotional support system.
I can count at least 5 times I was supposed to be dead.

And yet, here I am.
So, the final time…when it was basically “a miracle” that I survived…

I accepted the fact, that maybe I’m here for a reason.
Someone doesn’t want me to go cuz I’ve yet to complete my “purpose” in life.

Could be hooplah.
But, could be true as well.

Who knows?

Friends always approach me to plan trips with them.
I can’t really plan shit.
I flow with it.
It’s a feeling I get.
That screams, “YES. You must do that.”

Every time I’ve followed those pulls…
something beyond amazing happens.
I can’t begin to tell you how my life keeps surprising me
and getting better and better every year when I don’t even think there’s room for improvement.

How long will this last?
I don’t know.

But I ain’t about to jump off the ride while it lasts.

When I wanna do something, NOW’s the preferable time frame…
not later.
Later’s for shit, I don’t wanna do.

Hence the selective procrastinator of boring and monotonous I am.
Anything that isn’t fun, exciting, etc…
piles up on the “to do” list.
I’ve got boxes and boxes of shit at the house I’ve been meaning to sort through

for YEARS!

Indy keeps on getting on me for it
she’s even volunteered to come and help me.
Maybe next trip back home.


I started this entry last night.
It has taken on a life of its own.
I kinda veered off the path of my initial direction.

Can’t separate my writing from my life.
We are one in the same…so I guess it’ll have the same erratic patterns!

Makes sense no?

My friend Rick’s gonna love this entry.
He likes my “deeper/thinking” side better than my jokey
bunny humping, “5th grader” jokey side.




Bringing back some pics from last year.
What amused me on the Euromast in Rotterdam.

Love locks in Paris on the Pont des Arts bridge.
I am the MASTER of my OWN DESTINY!

a pic I took for my sweetie Nykya. I wanted to take her to Paris with me…
but she’s slackin’ on getting her passport.


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