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I’d Rather I Was Never Born.

05 Jan

I went out to go grab tampons today.
The same pharmacy I went to, to buy my friend’s pregnancy test.
Funny.

No?

If it was the same lady, it woulda been entertaining.
“Guess you’re not pregnant then?”

I didn’t want to see anyone I know, but as always…I do.

The world feels like it’s getting too small.
I couldn’t imagine if I were UBER famous.
I feel their pain.

It’s like you have no peace.
No section of the world where you can just be, without being interrupted.

Saw three people I know.

Did the typical “Cara” greeting.
It’s like I’m plagued with this magnetic energy.
A “gift” to spread happiness and smiles.

I feel I should cuz inside I feel it’s “good.”
Ya know?

Life is already so difficult.
If I can grace a person with a little nudge of happiness to get through their day…

well, fuck.

Why not?

It’s just natural for me.
Is there a point?

Beats me.

It’s just what I do.

As I left the pharmacy, I bumped into Jim McKinney.
I love this man.
I don’t know his age.
Never asked.
Never inquired.
But he’s a family friend with a heart of gold
and we’ve always connected.

I’d give him the range of 70 to late 80s?

It’s been a while since I’ve seen him.
He resides mostly in Nassau now as nothing’s happening in Freeport.
(business-wise)
And, whenever I’m back on the island…

I mostly lock myself in a cave.

Looking back at everything, I guess it feels like I’m tugged in so many directions
by so many, I’d rather sit peacefully at home…

inside

where it’s “safe” and void of human interaction.

I love people. I do.
The good ones of course.
I love meeting and getting to know people from different cultures
and backgrounds…

However, I feel, it’s like a tsunami.
So many people and so little me.

I want to embrace, to love, to give my time and attention to so many…
because I’ve met so many precious people along my travels…
But maybe I bite off more than I can chew?
Everywhere I go, I love it.
Not because the space around me, but because of the people.
However, the earth starts to feel smaller and smaller
Because everywhere I go…
I begin to know too many
And thereby

I lose my solitude.

My invisible presence in the world where I am nothing.
No one.
Unknown.

They say the bigger they are, the harder they fall.
Well shit, if that’s the case…

Maybe I should figure out a way to shrink my heart.
Cuz it’s the ones who love the most that seem to suffer the most in darkness.

Everytime I see Jim, I see the happiness of our encounter, but the sadness that lies within.
We are two in the same.
Free spirits with so much love and adventure…
Yet caged in a world that does not cater to “our” kind.

Ignorance is truly bliss.
Anyone who tells you otherwise is high on something.
Every day, all around me, the world gobbles up the righteous.
The good who are weak
and supplies the corrupt, greedy and evil with power.
I’ve given myself, countless times, over and over
For love. For good. For the “right.”
And for what?

A clean conscious?

At the end of the day, my life leaves me barren.
Cuz I see no benefit of being the “good guy.”

Darkness has fallen on me…
and I don’t know when the light will break through.

If ever.

What’s this life for my love?
If the good die young
If true love, does not prevail
If the bad muscle down the good?
If purity and kindness are shadowed and extinguished by corruption and evil?

The dark side is always the easiest route to choose for most.
Temptation.
Fast money.
Greed.

How are we to cure a world of wanting more for less no matter the consequences?
Of turning a blind eye on suffering for gain?
Is this it?

Is this the way it is supposed to be?

Cuz if it is
How dark
How sad
How empty.

I’d rather I was never born.
It’s torturous.
To come all this way, just to find out we live in a sewer.
A place where you shit, you pee, you clean up, you struggle…
and for what?

Nothing.

Each day passes, as it does.
With or without your existence.

Precious.

Don’t you think?

 
1 Comment

Posted by on January 5, 2012 in Life, Mental Chaos

 

One response to “I’d Rather I Was Never Born.

  1. Jessy BeMe

    January 5, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Deep!

     

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