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A Weird Fuckin’ Night, Restless.

04 Jan

It started with the “beautiful” ride home.
Every feeling I’d forgotten, came FLOODING on back.
Every inch of sadness, pain and emptiness
conjured up to the surface with one individual’s sharp tongue.

Word after word…deeper and deeper
up until the locked up box cracked open and its contents emerged piercing my tough shell.
The shell I’ve built over the years to protect me from heartache.

There’s only ONE person in this world that can hurt me.
ONE.

And I can never find a proper defense, besides hate and anger.
And, I don’t want to use those weapons.
Because, I love the most the one that hurts me the worst.

**BLAH**

When I managed to fall asleep…
I was awakened, countless times, by horrible dreams.
REALISTIC to the air I breathe.

First, was my mom at my bedroom door…
then my father’s voice following
saying my friend/ex teacher/friend’s mother
had passed.

I woke up, thinking it was real
and lay in my bed as tears cascaded down my face.
I yelled out for my father…

and that’s how I knew, it was just a dream.
I even checked her son’s Facebook to see if there were any condolences, etc.
Nothing.

Good.

Phew.

Next, I was making out with one of my good friends.
OMG.
Very unlikely combo.
Twas a little amusing.

Then, the other was my father and I in Dubai.
We got separated because I was caught in a zone where women weren’t allowed to walk
we had to be in cabs…
and I was ripped from my father’s side
KNOWING
we had no means of communicating with each other.

That woke me up, cuz it was terrifying.
Not for my sake, but my father’s.
I had to KNOW he was OK.
That I could protect him…but there was no way
and that caused my heart to race.

Finally…
back to bed again

and the MOST realistic and terrifying dream occurred
(I guess we should call these nightmares, huh?)

A big black man, came LUNGING towards me and mounted me.
I could see the details of his face.
He had a rag in one hand and missed my face the first time.
it had Chloroform on it.
As I was trying to fight him off, he attempted to put the rag on my face again…

and then I woke up.
Screaming

into an empty room.

Fuck.

That was it. I couldn’t take it anymore.
By this time, it was 8ish AM.

My mom was still in bed…my father had left for church already.
So, I took his spot and went back to bed.

Slightly.

My mom wouldn’t quit chattering…and then, it was time for my hair appointment.

Again…

Fun times.

 
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Posted by on January 4, 2012 in Family, Insomnia, Mental Chaos

 

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