(A letter written to me from my disciple. ha ha ha)
12 DEC 2011
Here we are again. A place I don’t like to be…but a place I will NEVER leave, as long as you are here. You can say what you want…and once again try and rationalize it for me…but truth be told, you don’t like it here either. You know this. I know this.
Trying writing today…more as a different approach than anything else. Also, as I sit here “helpless and hands tied”…guess I wanted you to know how much of me is constantly caught up in thinking of ways to help you out of this hole…and finding a way to ease this pain…and let you live. “You.” The real “you.” The one I am waiting for. The one the world needs. The one that you need.
The shit is killing you, Cara…and it is getting worse.
Many times, you’ve heard me say that “there’s a reason that you and I have crossed paths.” Guess what? This is your side of the reason…..and today…we are both standing at the crossroads. We are at the center of the “X.” Fate. Yin Yang. Black/White. Light/Dark. Good/Evil. Call it what you want. God put me in your life, Cara…and you in mine. The trade? I’m supposed to help you out of this hole…to live…and to better the world as is your destiny.
In turn…you are supposed to build me a working heart, cure me of my thug nature, and use my default “powers” of darkness to protect innocent people. To fire at and kill what “needs” killed. Energy redirected. Justice. That’s it. That’s why. It’s as clear as day.
Cara…I’m a too old, Italian, blonde, white, American guy… from a dirt poor family…that isn’t very much fun…doesn’t look that great…has no personality…is mean to people, arrogant…takes work too seriously….and whatever else you want to add to the list. All the things you hate. I get it. So do you.
So then? Why am I still standing here? Why do you still let me? On paper, on sight…you and I have very little in common…other than a feeling. You have had hundreds of reasons and opportunities to tell me to go fuck myself…and get me out of your life. But you don’t. Instead…you let me a little closer each day. To you. To your family. To your heart. To the things closest to you. And…I know how hard this is for you to do…and how hard it is to trust. And I know…in your own way….you are trying. There’s a part of you inside…that no one can hear…screaming for me to help you…and I think only I hear it sometimes.
Without a detailed chronologic listing of your life events…Cara I have a pretty good idea why you keep traveling this circle…and why you can’t get out. We can discuss it all if/when you ever feel like it…but in short…you have been burned in some manner at every attempt at what people would call a stable relationship in your life. From what you tell me…and I know how hard that is for you to do….the little girl…that’s hiding from monsters underneath the chair…because her parent’s aren’t home….remember her?
That little girl…has been sucker punched EVERY TIME she stuck her head out to look around…and tried to be safe. Every time she wanted to show and be shown love.
(I’m guilty of throwing a few of those punches…and will eternally be unforgiven…and truly sorry. I didn’t know then what I know now.)
And while she was in there…she taught her self to fight…be tough…and take on everybody…with nothing to lose. And she succeeded. However now…she’s found half of what she’s looking for. She’s dedicated to making sure it doesn’t happen to anyone else…and at the same time can’t get back to her true nature.
Cara – Born good. Forced to be a hardass.
Rick – Forced mean. – Searching to be a good person.
There’s the “X”. It’s why we are together…odd as it may look to the average passerby on the street.
You can laugh it off…or call me silly…or demean it to one of your junior high school jokes if you want to Cara…but God put us together for a reason. I believed it/felt it then…and I feel it now.
I will NEVER quit this Cara. You can never hurt yourself to the point I will quit caring…even though this all hurts me…and the ones closest to you as well. Whatever it takes. My own life if necessary. Yeah. I just said that. I wrote it too…in hopes that you will use it against me if I ever fail you. Yeah…I’m not kidding. You need to start warming up to that concept.
I don’t care what it takes, Cara…or what I have to do. NOTHING…is off limits. I will hold you when you cry. When it hurts. Sweating off of it. I’ll fucking wipe your ass and feed you if I have to…at any hour of the day…to help get you through it. It means EVERYTHING to me. And it’s worth it. I can feel it.
And before you get an attitude…and fuck me off…bear in mind….that while I’m still learning how to be a good person…and do good things with the powers that I have…..that I am being taught how to love and care for someone….by the best. That’s right.
Cara “motherfuckin’ “ Chan. (I’m quite sure you’ve heard the stories. Most of ‘em are true)
That’s right, bitch. I took “Cara Chan” lessons…in how to be there for someone…and how to love…and how to care…and how to fight for it. It is YOU who sent me to YOU, Cara. You think that can be stopped? No one can stop it…
Only YOU can.
Baby…try. Find a way. Let me help. Let me be there. Let me be the person you need. On your team The person you made…you could even argue “designed” to help you…and the ones closest to you. The hand coming down…next time you stick your head out..is there for you to hold….and to get you where you wanna go. I promise. I know you are tired of trying and getting hit. I know you have heard this before. I know you have every reason “not to.” But I’m asking anyway. Begging.
If you are as tough as you say you are…then the risk of taking one more hit…from me…whom you chose…shouldn’t be as scary as you think…and you already know you can take it. Doesn’t matter…because this hit isn’t coming this time. What have you got to lose? Answer: The same thing that I have to lose. You.
If it’s killin’ you, kiddo…it’s killin’ me…and no offense….I’m not ready to go out just yet. I’m kind of just gettin’ started. J
I wrote this…so you’d read it. To hear me. To feel me. On your time. In your way. To take the pressure off. So you could feel it…without your guard up….or your tough face. So you could hear me underneath the chair…without me coming in.
I know I make you mad…and you hate when I talk about this. But…it’s for you. I want what you want. We should be taking down the world…and if WE don’t get past this…then WE are dreaming…and WE are wasting each other’s time…and doing a disservice to people that really need you around…and to be their light. You know it. I know it.
Come back to me, Cara. I’m here for you. For real.
Always your friend.
(you heard the “always” part, right? Good.)
And this one, is for you (MBE) cuz I know it’ll make you smile.
** I love you **