(wrote this yesterday but didn’t post, so I’m still on track)
This is how I feel sometimes.
It seems, that in life, only in death is there IMPACT.
This is a quote from Virginia Woolf’s character in the Hours.
(played by Nicole Kidman)
I’ve had it on loop, since I saw it on tv…
like, I dunno…
3 hours ago?
I’ve always felt a connection with writers such as Virginia Woolf and Sylvia Plath.
The first time I saw this movie, I connected with it.
I LOVE the scores too.
As a writer, you reflect.
You lock yourself away and connect with the inner most part of you.
You go deep into parts where most people mask.
And sometimes, in life, when you place yourself underneath
the decoration of a smile
you find darkness.
This is something I wrote a while back.
I dunno why I’ve always had an emptiness…
First thoughts of suicide
I was 10.
Can’t remember an influence,
Or what came up on that particular day
That had me searching
For a way out.
All I can remember is the pain.
The pain and the anger.
I can also remember the tears.
The tears as I pictured myself
In the backyard, on top of a grassy little hill
Where I used to play out war scenes with
my G.I.Joe action figures.
I learned to shoot a gun when I was young.
Can’t remember how old.
But, by this time
I knew exactly what I needed to do.
Tears flowed down my face.
All I could do was imagine myself…
Imagine myself in the backyard
On top of the grassy little hill
With the butt of the rifle in the grass
The tip in my mouth
A hand wrapped around the barrel
And the other by the trigger
By the trigger and ready
To send myself off.
These were the thoughts in my head:
Take that mom and dad!
Maybe now you will feel my pain.
Here’s my pain
How does it feel?
This is all your fault
Now live with it.
Look at me. I’m gone. It’s too late.
You can’t bring me back.
Never again shall I run
Never again shall I smile
Never again shall I be a burden.
Putting thoughts into action.
Headed towards my parent’s room
Entered the closet.
Grabbed the rifle and magazine
Proceeded to the back of the house.
Loaded the rifle
Cocked the first bullet into its chamber
Then sat on the grassy little hill
with her in my lap.
The torrent of tears,
By now, became dried up memories
Wiped away and gone forever.
A beautiful day.
Radiant blue sky with speckles of puffy white clouds
And gentle songs from birds in neighboring trees.
I began to lose myself.
Lose myself in the enchanting rapture of nature.
My pain faded.
My anger faded.
I felt at peace and strangely, not alone.
So began my disorder…
My Fucked Up Life..
I don’t know what made me feel those emotions.
But I remember the day.
That’s not the only day where the outside world saved me.
One day, after my suicide attempt in 2003
I was sitting on the couch and looking out the window.
Something inside me, said “JUMP”
“Go. JUMP into the pool.”
So I did.
Out of many days, weeks…I dunno…
of locking myself away
I got up and jumped into the pool.
I stayed there.
until I needed to breathe.
Sucks when that happens huh?
While I was down there, everything was calm.
It felt as if I was in a video game.
All the slight sounds coming from the bubbles and filters.
Then, when I couldn’t handle life without oxygen
I came up for air.
The moment that I did…
the world BURST into life.
From basic silence to leaves
to the wind.
Everything came alive, like I’ve never heard it before.
And that’s when…
I came back to life again.
I have more stories, similar to this.
But I don’t feel like writing them out right now.
The point is…
This emptiness that has followed me throughout the years
was taken away
when I had you and Kaylie in my life.
So after your presence, after being filled…
now there’s a void that’s deeper than before.
Because before, I was hollow.
I am shattered.