Hey baby. How are you today?
I started writing something earlier, but encountered blocks, like I was forcing shit out.
Not literally shit, but you know what I mean. Ha ha
I passed out (last night) at around 7pm with the laptop on top of me, sorry.
Didn’t wake up until 7am today!
And still, I was tired.
How long has it been now?
For me, days just melt into one another.
I don’t track the days nor months. Years even find a way to escape me.
I miss you.
I think I push it down, away from sight, away from feeling, so I don’t always realize the extent…
But how can one NOT miss the happiest filling in their history?
I’ve consumed everything in my path in an attempt to fill my time, my heart and my reasons…
all fruitless distractions.
I’ve been destroyed by perfection in an imperfect world.
I want to drop everything and become an us, but I don’t feel it’s time, yet.
I still feel I have so much more to do and give the world.
I don’t know how to describe it. I don’t even know if an “US” is right, but I know within these 365 days, the answer will come.
Full, without greys and clear.
Amazing how three people who are crazy about each other couldn’t just be;
Without a head to harm around them, just the pure joys of living their lives together.
Crazy how we couldn’t just make it past the surrounding demons and live happily ever after.
I’m telling you, there’s just too much “I don’t give a fuck” in me.
I keep grabbing for new shit, but it’s like I’m done. I find moments, but they come and go like waves.
Crash by crash they bleed more pieces of me and abandon them out to sea
and gradually build islands of “don’t care.”
Some days, I want to cry til it drains my blood.
Til the years turn around, so we can protect ourselves better from the evils that tore us apart.
What’s done is done and in some ways I feel, all the shit we’ve been through
and are going through
has a purpose.
At 3:30am, this morning, I was awakened by a dream.
A dream where I met someone else.
Someone who swept me away and filled me up
just as you did…
and then, you appeared.
My heart was torn, again.
Are you prepared for that?
If, while along this journey, we aren’t together in the end?
After ALL these years.
After ALL the shit
and the struggles?
Everyday, I try to push you away.
Away from my thoughts and mind
if I can.
But the harder I push, the more you exist.
It’s like I’m reminded every day
that you will always be a part of me.
A part of my life and my thoughts.
Just BE happy baby.
That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.
Happy on the INSIDE.
Not just the glow you reflect upon the world.
Happy and FREE.
It’s coming soon.
I know it.
I can feel it.
you will close your eyes…
and when you wake to greet the shine of tomorrow’s sunrise
You’ll be there.
A pic my dad took on my last night in Freeport.
The relationship between my parents and I, is getting better.
I’m feeling more bonded, close and existent, in their lives and heart.
My mom even cried the last few times I left them.
Who IS this woman I see before me!
Maybe it’s the realization of “the end” or maybe there was a lot of pollen in the air.
HA HA HA
After the many years of me coming and going, I’m NOW finding it
harder and harder to say “goodbye.”
I know it’ll all make sense, the day I no longer have the time to think!