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Fuck if I Know!

13 Oct

Why the fuck am I doing this? I don’t friggin’ know. I do it, because it came to me, to do so. I see it as a way to grow, learn, understand, and collect and organize my thoughts, and then, hopefully come out saying, “Aha.” Some days, I cringe at the fact of leaving myself so open and vulnerable to all that reads, but I quickly get over it, cuz whatever. I’m human, not Superwoman; although, on my maniac days, I do feel as if I’m flying.

After making it a point of NOT drinking yesterday, I ended up having 6 medium sized EXTRA cold Heinekens. (I’m doing a pretty damn good job at drinking beer, for a person, who doesn’t drink beer.)

I should actually start buying stock in the shit, as since my 2nd week here in Holland, I don’t think I’ve gone a day without one. (I’ve been here over 3 months, FYI) I’m gonna go back to the Bahamas for a bit cuz this routine is getting a bit old, and HOLLAND, is getting a bit old AND COLD! I miss not having a car. I miss NOT having anywhere to damn go that doesn’t have a nice, big, spacious, headache free, parking lot. I usually don’t mind the hotel living life, but I miss a stove. I miss being able to cook and have something that comes to mind ESPECIALLY after being in a country where FOOD doesn’t necessarily seem to HAVE a requisite of being TASTY! I’ve been spoiled by 24 hour access and feel imprisoned by 6pm shutdowns!

I want to be able to walk around, WITHOUT someone to say “hello” to. I need my space. I need my anonymity. I want to be able to walk around, unrecognized, so I can stay within myself so I don’t feel the need to smile, to laugh, to be somebody’s sunshine and to be anywhere beyond the escape I seek as I run around inside myself figuring out the whys and whats.

So…BEFORE I go there (Bahamas), as it’s not gonna be any BETTER – anonymity-wise – than here in Holland…

I’m looking at going to Dubai. Just like Paris, I feel it’s a place I can run to and lose myself. A place that has enough visual distractions to accompany me throughout my days so I can be alone but NOT feel alone.

My cousin’s just outside of Dubai, so as I’m losing myself, I’ll pull myself away to see her. We haven’t solidified plans of meeting up yet, but she’s a part of my heart. We were really close when I was younger, during some of the happiest times of my life, and then our lives were pulled in different directions. (Yes story of my life, “Loved Ones Ripped Away.” Fun times!) She’s one of the closest things, I’d say, that’d almost equal me seeing you. (But I don’t think I’d be kissing HER, the way I’d be kissing YOU!) ha ha ha

It’d be nice to finally fill up the space that’s been left empty by HER absence. Maybe it’ll help me become whole again, like piecing together a crumbled heart in order for it to maintain the body efficiently and fully.

Worth a shot, right?

OK, on to my day. I hope you are having a beautiful one.
xoxoxoxox

My GOD I was adorable eh? ha ha ha
Andrew in the middle throwing up gang signs.
(As for Audrey’s haircut…I’m glad we had different stylists!)
I feel for you Audrey. I feel for you. ha ha

Me and my teenage plumpy face! Ewwww.

I can’t wait to post an UPDATED pic!!!
Stay tuned!

🙂

 

 
2 Comments

Posted by on October 13, 2011 in Alcohol & Drugs, Bahamas, Dubai, Family, Food, Holland, Life, Paris, Travel

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

2 responses to “Fuck if I Know!

  1. MIKE

    October 13, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    YOU STILL ARE

    My GOD I was adorable eh? ha ha ha

    JUST IN A DIFFERENT WAY

     
  2. Bindi!!!

    October 13, 2011 at 5:31 pm

    Nothing has changed!!! Is the same cute face 😛

     

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