02 Oct

My God honey. If I were to rank today, I wouldn’t really know what to say. It was an awesome day, but mentally, without reason…I went UP and DOWN, and UP and DOWN. From on top of the world, down to not wanting to be a part of it anymore. Right now, I’m in a down state. What is that? It was a full day filled with beautiful weather, adventures and company. (it even included a beach!!! Yes, here in Holland! It’s an awesome boardwalk type place called Schevenigen. I like going there cuz it reminds me of PDC – Playa del Carmen , MX)

I was having some issues with my breathing. Remember those? Yeah, it still happens. I hate it. Maybe my brain’s not getting enough oxygen and it’s beginning to deteriorate and malfunction. Ha ha

What do you think?

Also, as I lay here in bed, I can feel my heartbeat, fluttering and spazzing out. Remember that nurse? The one we met at the hospital when I was having these problems and you were worried and made me go check it out? Crazy how she was later the one in the ER who could get you in to see me. Interesting how life can link together key points like that, huh?

I thought about her the other day. Do you remember her name? I don’t even recall what she looks like. My memory’s such a piece of shit when it comes to names and now, even faces. If Facebook wasn’t created, I don’t know how I’d keep track of everyone in my life.

Has the thought ever crossed your mind, that life, may take one of us away before we ever see one another again? That’d be sad. Wouldn’t you say? It makes me think of that Creed song, “What’s this life for?” Thru the love, the struggles, the dedication and time…to come up empty handed at the end, would be sickly ironic, no?

Sometimes I feel I keep going for the ones who count on me and love me. Beyond that, I find life to be so pointless. Is this it? Why is not having a DRIVE to live looked upon so negatively? Do people not see, we are all wired differently and sometimes, the brain is so outta whack, that in order to feel “at peace” you just want it to stop?

I’ve been blessed and have made a path in life, that in all surrounding ways should be ideal, yet, it’s still lacking. Nothing really excites me and if it does, it’s like a match. Lit and gone in an instant. I feel spent, like I’ve poured too much, out into the world and now, am left unable to top up again.

I had an accident the other week. I coulda fucked myself up pretty bad, I could have even died. Not trying to make you sad or anything, just discussing the reality of what is.

I’m starting to fall asleep now. I wanna sleep away this feeling. Tomorrow’s another day. Maybe I’ve just been overdoing myself and need some rest. Anyways…no point in BOTH of us down. So, here’s a pic to make you smile. I KNOW it’s one of your favs. If anything ever takes me away, I want you to have these days, always, to refer back to so you know just how I’ve love you, cherished you and have forever had you in my heart and mind.

Kisses to you love.


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