Monthly Archives: October 2011


Found 50 Euro in ma pocket.
To most everyone who knows me, this isn’t a surprise.
Money management, ain’t my forte!


M.T.B. (My travel buddy) – attention whore that he is – wanted to be in the shot.
An outfit I saw for V’s baby Bella.
See Ash??? I can pick pink shit! ha ha

I know you are probably wondering WHY all the girlie pink shit…
as I always bought Kaylie tomboy/skater/goth gear…but that’s what I felt at the time.
And, we both know she’s always been more me than you.
For V’s baby…this is what came.
And that’s my explanation.


Needed new tennis.
Ain’t she pretty?!?!!?
No NIKE sweatshop purchases here!


First thing I read was: ASS in WORK.
Thinking I was back in Holland.


Sky view.
Sorry, told ya I wasn’t into the tourist shit. So, just a view from my hotel room.


First time ever I read a woman’s loo sign and thought…
“Women. Huh. So, this is where I get em.”


Headband thingy I thought my mom would like.
C’mon. It’s PURE Daisy. You know it!


Where I bought my little Bella’s things.


After seeing a horrendous outfit posted on Facebook…
Bought a few items for Veronica’s baby Bella.


Start playing “Pretty Woman” theme song. HE HE
We just gotta find the hat!


Only time I see an ICE BUCKET without a champagne bottle in it.


M.T.B. wanted to be in a shot…AGAIN! High maintenance fucker.


Tease. Such a fucking TEASE!


Even the head gear gets “poshness!:


Ski Dubai inside Mall of the Emirates.


Talk about a cock tease. Whenever I see VINTAGE on a menu…I think wine.


Right, just came in from a FAB dinner. Drunk as fuck.


I have a pic of Indira and I.
But will post…after some sleep and when I’m sober again.
ha ha

Best night ever, sweet blast from the past.
Loved every minute of it!!!

Dormies, are the best!!!

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Posted by on October 31, 2011 in Dubai, Money, Travel


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En la vida, nada es cierto y si piensas diferente, buena suerte. :)

I’m in tears. The damn telenovela’s been over for at least 10mins, and still, I’m in tears.

A sad movie, is easier. You aren’t pulled into the characters lives, so deeply. Through so many moments and emotions, over and over again. Ugh.

They got married baby. Finally. Don’t mean to be a spoiler, but Sylvia gets shot and dies. DURING their wedding. Fantastic. Huh? They made it through the rough patches, made a commitment and something beautiful, ended. Something was destroyed, not by the two people involved, but because of outside forces (sound familiar?) beyond their control and DEFINITELY, NOT planned.

I made it a point, a long time ago, to NOT make/AVOID making any new friends.


Yeah. Just as you can imagine, didn’t work out very well.
The reason was, is because I didn’t want MORE people to lose.
To miss.
To mourn, if they died before me.

I fucking hate death. It’s so…terminal.

I’d always have death dreams of my parents while growing up.
Mostly of my mom, I think.
Going down a grave, in her casket.
The thought’s sending me goosebumps at the moment.

I really don’t know what will happen when I lose my parents.

I always said that I’d prefer us all to die at once.
Like in a plane crash or something.

Right now, if you were to ask me if I wanted to live a day without them in it…
I’d say no.

I don’t want to reach for the phone to call them, and remember, that I can’t.
I don’t want to live in memories, like I do with you, to feel them near when they’ve gone.

I’m still the little girl that always yearned for their love and attention.
Thru my life, thru theirs, thru me going off to school at 14
then the start of my “run” at 17

The drugs

The travel

The relationships

I look back, and feel, the absence of time.
Quality time.

So when I see the years rushing by, I feel cheated.
But I only cheated myself.

With you…

I nearly lost my life, the first time.

I barely walked away alive, the second.

I don’t think I’d make it through a third.

As much as I’d drop everything to be in your arms…

A part of me, wishes to keep you at a distance.
My heart is big.

But as they say, the bigger they are, the harder they fall.
So, I guess in terms of the heart…
The greater they shatter.

I love my mom so much, and have always wanted her to just love and accept me.
Be proud of me.
Show me that I’m her everything.

For the most part, until now, all I’ve deciphered was anger.
And not ever being, enough.

You and Kaylie, filled that void.
You clipped the wings of a free bird and took away her desire to fly.
I had the unconditional love and happiness that I share, returned.
It was amazing to feel so wanted, needed and complete.

Then, after 23 years of my life and getting a taste of the ultimate sweetness
I had it vindictively gouged out leaving me even emptier than before…

It was killer baby.

The second time, wasn’t as bad, because every time you fill and empty
the ingredients into something that was once overflowing, it loses its volume

and no matter how hard you try, you’ll never reach the top again.

It’s the scars that keep the underlying sparkle from shining through.

Layer by layer, retaining life’s glow.

Life’s a piece of shit.
I don’t understand it. I’d rather have stayed out of it.

There’s so much in this world I want to fix

FUCK. There’s a lot of damn people in this world.
Ya know?
It’s so overwhelming. So many people turn their heads to all the shit
going on in this world, that it’s discouraging.
It makes one think, what’s the use in trying?
Maybe this IS how life’s supposed to be.
Who said life’s supposed to be sunshine and roses every day.
Or, for ANY day at all?

Sometimes I picture our world as a Simms game.
A Simms game controlled by “God.”

This HUGE guy, to which earth fits in the palm of his hands.
He controls the floods, the heat and even a tree that gets struck down by lightning.
He looks down upon us and decides his “moves” in regards to each of our lives.

He can be as twisted as some of the people we have living among us.
Wouldn’t that totally flip ones view on life?

I’m 32 baby.
YES, ha ha, you’re older.


I don’t care about my age.

AS I think of my age, I begin to think of my parents.
I can’t lose them.

I already don’t see much of a point nowadays…

So what use would it be once my parents are gone?
I’m not sure I can deal with that darkness.
I guess that’s when it kinda helps to have brothers and sisters?

I dunno.

Let me put an end to this

cuz I’m tired of crying.

I love you baby.

Aye la vida.
You can plan all you want. Map out things to perfection…
But in the end, nothing is ever truly in our hands to control.

That’s all I gotta say.
Kisses my love.



** Just a fun pic I think will make you smile **

Yes, mom dishing out her “Motherly” Love.


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Posted by on October 31, 2011 in Family, Happiness, Life


Que Sera, Sera


Mi vida.


Como estas? I don’t know what it is, but in my most intense of moments, where I wish to express a strong emotion, that which stems from the deepest part of myself, I switch to Spanish. Crazy, huh? Maybe it’s because it’s the language of cultures that possess the same passion and strength I feel in my heart? Today, I stayed in my hotel room. It’s 4:29PM. I stumbled upon a Spanish soap opera online. (telenovela) It’s called “Los Hombres de Paco.” – Paco’s Men or The Men of Paco.

I’ve been watching clips of the romance between two of the characters; Pepa and Silvia. Their ups and downs, highs and lows, fallouts and makeups twist my heart from happiness to understanding to frustration and back. I’m hooked. I arrived at an episode where someone dies; their body, limp and lifeless. It made me think of us. (Well, I think of us all the time, what I mean, is it made me think of us and life and it made me question: what are we doing with ours?)

We are born. We live, we struggle, we hurt, we cry, we laugh, we deceive, we step. Step to each path we choose and are presented with their consequences. Bad or good. Right or wrong and then, we’re gone. Our essence disappears. Just like that. Our spark, our spirit, our breath, what makes us…US, vanishes and all that we leave the earth is the shell we occupied. Motionless. Worth no more than a rag. How fuckin’ exciting.

We’re going on almost 9 years. 9 years since my heart was ripped the worst. I had two of the people who filled me up the most, who filled me up when I didn’t even know I was empty, clawed, scraped and TORN out of my life and in 2007, when I thought I had my family back, it happened again.

2005, I had to rip yours, because I was caught between you and someone else I had in my life. Someone else I felt deserved the respect of me standing by their side, when they became ill; mentally and physically, because of me. For that, I am sorry. I was trying to do, what was “right.”

And then again, at mom’s funeral. When I heard the stories of how you waited and constantly turned back at the doors for me to enter – your blue eyes filled with hope and tears, telling people over and over, “She’ll be here. She’ll be here” – waiting for me to come and I never showed. I can picture the moment as clearly as if I was there, standing at the back by the doors, watching as every turn, darkened your beautiful blue eyes with disappointment.

I know I promised, but I wasn’t in a good place and my hands, again, were tied. Story of our lives, huh? Our hearts know one thing, yet our lives lay out another.

Anyways. The scene made me reflect on our lives. Filled and emptied so many times. Every time we think we’ve got it all, our walls crumble and our foundation becomes quicksand; sucking us down, faster and faster every time we try to fight it.

At least, you only lost one person. I lost two. You still remain with 2/3rds of our pie.

I can’t say that all my days have been miserable. Quite the opposite, but, that’s because I fight every day to find something to fill me up and help me face another one, as I’m only 1/3rd of the whole. Every country I visit, every hotel room I find myself in, there you are the most. I enjoy my solitude but will always welcome you, here, sharing this space with me.

I don’t have the fight in me anymore. I thought I could conquer the world and fight off all who were against us, because of love – the purity of ours – determination and focus, but I was wrong. Guess we’ll see what the future holds, cuz I damn sure ain’t trying to force my wants onto “life” again, cuz I was SLAMMED with the harsh realization – that I was the weaker of the two.

Back in the day, every time I’d sit in a plane with 3 seats to a row, I’d smile and think, “perfect” because it was just enough; just enough, for you, me and Kaylie. I haven’t had those thoughts in years.

Since I arrived here in Dubai, I wanted to share with you, the day I flew in from Amsterdam. It was a miraculous experience, but, that’ll take more energy and time and I don’t have the strength in me today, but it will come soon.

You should be in my head throughout my days. Well, you ARE in my head, but you know what I mean. I converse with you constantly. (do you hear me? Ha ha) One day, when I was “conversing” with you, it had me thinking of people’s relation to God, to Allah, to Mary, Jesus, etc. Even though you can’t hear me, my thoughts to you, give me strength, make me smile and help me through my darkest days and brighten up even the happiest of ones.

It also made me think of prayer. Of how, having someone to talk to, to go to even though they aren’t tangible and right before you, helps. You are where, in one point of my life, I felt the most safe (or shall we say, SAFE AT ALL)…so there, when I feel the most alone, is where I run to. Maybe this is why “faith” and religions are so powerful.

If I wrote down everything I wanted to tell you, every moment I thought of talking to you/telling you, you’d need another lifetime to read it.

I’m on the 35th ~ 10 min clip of Pepa y Sylvia. It’s the one that had me up, in the shower and crying.

That which I run away from, caught up to me. I don’t need you in my life, to go on. I just want you to be happy and then, I can be settled. I’ve always felt you deserved so much more. So much more than the life you’ve lived and continue to live. Me? I have my emptiness, but I also have my friends. (And alcohol, UNLESS as I’m finding out, I’m in The United Arab Emirates!!!!!) I have such beautiful people in my life and I know you don’t have anyone besides the ones around you that wish to control you, who “think/say” they love you.




That’s my desire, as it’s always been for you; freedom. Freedom to truly smile again and to live your life, without strings; to be the MASTER of your life, and not the puppet. No matter what happens in life, as long as I am able, I will be here for you.

For it’s your happiness and well being I find myself living for.

It’s weird. I know what I want, yet don’t at the same time. I feel secure in the sanctity I find within you, but am unsure about solidifying a life with you. Does that make sense? Maybe I’m, dare we say it? Scared? Scared to recreate a history we visited OH too often?

I guess that’s what happens, when true love is severed by outside forces. There’s always a sense of, incompleteness. Doors that stay, swinging open in the wind for the other to enter, yet in between them, lay mines filled with surprises just waiting to explode that keep you from your desired destination.

You’ve been through so much mi preciosa. I know life doesn’t owe any of us anything but it is my dream, that one day, you are blessed with the fairytale you so deserve.


Te quiero linda.
(Sorry if I seem scatter-brained in this post, it’s because I am. Brain’s a little off and not focused, but I wanted to get this all out.)

My heart misses the presence of your smiles.

What a life, huh? It’s like I fell asleep in a dream, and woke up…interrupted.


Que sera, sera.

Here’s a sweet clip.
Just go with it.
POOR POOR music choice, but the scene kept me, because the
the sweet and pure intensity between the two, in this scene, I’ve only felt with you.
((Our make-outs were SOOOOOO much better though!! ha ha))



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Posted by on October 30, 2011 in Dubai, Happiness, Life, Mental Chaos, Natural Highs


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Dubai Daze………

Room service when I arrived at the hotel.
Couldn’t decide on what…so ordered a few things.
Pasta was blah.
Steak was blah as well.



Time to Roll!
(AED) United Arab Emirates Dirham.



Burj Kahlifa
To date, tallest building in the world


Found out my cousin’s “happy place” is her stomach.

(There’s MORE to come)
Dim Sum at Ping Pong in the Dubai Mall.


Sky filed with butterflies.


Prayer room at mall.
“Dear God, thank you for Prada…Gucci and Bloomingdales.
Oh, and Chopard. Happy Diamonds, Happy PEOPLE!”


Went to the Atlantis Hotel.
(As Audrey has NEVER BEEN TO ONE!!!)

I thought the service in Dubai was supposed to be impeccable.
BETTER service in the Atlantis in NASSAU, BAHAMAS!
Can you imagine?!?!

Go Bahamas!

Hotel was blah as well.

Was chatting with Audrey about the “future.”
She said she’s been thinking of taking a pastry cooking course in France…
So…as she’s never been to France, nor a French restaurant and there was one in the hotel

I took her to a FRENCH restaurant!

Awww. Look at HAPPY AUDREY!


Lobster bisque
Mushroom and spinach crepe


Told Audrey to pick the main dishes, as it’s ALL about Audrey day.
ha ha ha

Duck and beef stroganoff.


Spice and liquor.

What more could one ask for?



Opted for the newspaper to be delivered to the room.
Will report anything interesting.


After frantically SEARCHING for the hair dryer…
I arrived back at the hotel, with THIS staring me in the face.
Audrey, FOUND IT!!!!!!!


Market area in front of Audrey’s bus stop to Oman.
Lulu is my auntie’s nickname.



Lollipop bunch I saw in Schiphol airport.
I thought it’d be a cute “greeting” present when I saw Audrey
so bought it for her.
Unfortunately, we ran late so she had to go directly to her bus.

Guess there’s only ONE thing to do!

Enjoy them myself!
he he
Sorry Audrey!




I’m off to check out the Mall of the Emirates


to find a place that’ll sell me a BEER…or two.

(This Indian movie is playing in the background. It’s dubbed in Arabic.
The main character keeps damn crying. I wish I knew why. It’s been playing randomly on loop between shows like Brothers & Sisters and ER

If they play it again while I’m in the room, I’mma watch it and see if I can figure it out.
It’s kinda bothering me that I don’t know.



Laterzzz blue eyes.


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Dubai, Happy Memories…and Virgins

Hey baby.

Sorry I didn’t write yesterday.
Met up with my cousin, after only 3 hours sleep
and didn’t have the mental power to write anything.
(Attempted to, but fell asleep with the laptop on my stomach)
My brain was kinda cloudy for most of the day
being EXTREMELY happy to meet up with my cousin after almost 5 years

Guess the last time I saw her.
(I just realized this yesterday)

In Virginia.

With you and Kaylie!

We were on our way up to Boston…


I like that you got to meet my cousins.
They were like my brother and sister while growing up.
I have some of my fondest memories with them.

I used to get them into mischief from time to time.
ha ha

Imagine that, me?

However, and MOST importantly, never got them


I remember Sunday brunches.
We used to go after church.
After eating, we’d always go play video games while our parents sat and chat.
We’d get like, $10 each or something.


Because we wanted candy as well…
I’d coerce them into covering me from the cashier’s mirrors – making a wall of sorts – at the store across the arcade,
so I could swipe some.

THEN, we could enjoy candies AND play video games!

Ha ha

(Story of my life: Why not BOTH?!?!?! Ha ha)

I remember how scared they’d be.

About a decade or so later, my mom and I were walking through the same hotel
and I told her about it.

She informed me, that it was one of my dad’s stores.


Oh funny.

SO, in reality, I wasn’t stealing.


Audrey’s looking amazing.
She’s still got the same essence of the girl I remember while growing up
which is very sweet to witness


With a strong American accent!

(She went off to Canada for boarding school, then lived in Virginia until she signed up with the Peace Corps a few years ago)

She’s now working at a high end resort in Oman.

I’m beginning to feel a sleep coming on.
I woke up at 8:30AM (Dubai time)
but that’s 6:30AM
Holland time.

I thought it was later than that.
Like, 11AM.

BY the time I cracked the laptop open to work on an entry for you
I realized the time and said, “Fuck it”
I’m here. Might as well work on some pics and stuff…

Which will come soon!!

Had some room service brought up.
No mimosas, unfortunately, with my breakfast.


Man. I can’t believe I booked myself to a country where I can’t just go out and by alcohol.

And then, booked myself into a hotel COMPLETELY without it!!


THIS is DEFINITELY not how I enjoy “virgins!!!”


Was thinking about switching to another one, but can’t be bothered.
I’ll try my best to muscle through the inconvenience.

I hope I make it through this trip…




Kisses to you my love.

M.T.A. and view from the room.

~ Wishing you were here ~



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Fly Emirates – AGREED!!!!!

Yeah so…

I don’t know from where, but I always remember people telling me
~ on numerous occassions ~
that Emirates, is a good airline to fly.

I wanted a nonstop AND to “experience” this Emirates everyone’s seeming to rave about.
So, $500 extra – the cost of most flights – and away we go.

First class looked promising.
As I walked into economy, my faith in airline choice began to fall into doubt.
However, let me NOT allow the TACKY-ass, 70s-motel-drapes covered seats, be the judge of quality.

I was in a middle seat.
(Goes to show how la la land my brain was when I arrived at the airport)

When I took a seat and saw the entertainment console, I began to feel more at ease.


Here’s M.T.A. (my travel buddy) showing you our location via the Airshow feature.


Mmmmmm. I opted for the Asian Chicken.
Mmmmmmm. Twas yummy!


THIS ingenious little addition, entertained me while there was a slight delay deplaning.
I’d flick it and let it spin. Flick it and let it spin.


On my flight back, I’m planning to set some drawings in there and make a picture show.
Ha ha

(Yes, the people on both sides of me, had me for crazy)


First class entertainment console.
Psssht!!! Gaudy!!
No fun.

And NO spinning cup holder.
WHY would I want to sit here?


When I get a moment, and why my flight was so “COOL” in relation to why I found my day AMAZING
will come in due time. I’ve written enough for today.
My brain’s melting!

It has something to do, with who sat next to me.
(And no, no Mile High Clubs, this time)


Something even BETTER!

The seats on the flight were sweet; not only did they lean back…
but the entire seat slid for a comfortable incline.

Another plus for Emirates in Cara’s book.

As we began our decent, I finished the 2 movies I’d chosen and decided to check out the games.
(browsing through features really)
Found a tennis game, so decided to play.

I love tennis and miss it.
I love the sound when a ball meets the sweet spot of a racket.
I may find a place in Dubai to hit with a pro.

If not, definitely when I get to Freeport.

I was looking into playing on the helideck of the Burj Al Arab
but I think that was just for show?

Andre Agassi and Roger Federer had a go at it there.
Check the vid.

Here’s a section of the airport I enjoyed.
The elevators lead to customs/immgration, etc


Right, that’s it for this entry.




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Posted by on October 29, 2011 in Dubai, Pictures, Travel


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Running low on battery life………

So gonna hop in and make a quick post. I’m here, safe and sound in Dubai.
OMG. I have so many things to share with you!!! Today, was beyond amazing.

Well, besides the fact that I re-re-cracked the tooth I initially fixed in the Dominican Republic…
then again, a few months ago in Holland…

on a roll of bread on the plane.


I should just yank the poor sucker out.


before I lose power.



Just wanted to say



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Posted by on October 28, 2011 in Dubai, Travel


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