The New Beginning
(Sept 26th – 28th Blog Entries)
(Monday, Sept 26th)
Location: Paris Charles De Gaulle airport, Terminal 2.
There’s jack shit to eat, in terms of a yummy, warm meal. (I AM, in Paris, right?!!?)
BREAD BREAD BREAD…oh, and I almost forgot, CROISSONTS! Let’s not forget the bloody croissants!
Went to Chinatown today to try out a popular dim sum restaurant.
(La Chine Massena – www.chinemassena.com)
I ordered extra to bring with me to the airport, however, misplaced it somehow during my blank out the world-iPod in tow-soaking in my every present-unfocused wanderings. (A €30 value, just POOF. Gone. Not to mention the €30 cab fare to get there topped with the €40 ride to the airport instead of the €15 if I just simply picked a damn restaurant near the hotel and took the shuttle bus.)
I was on one of my “Don’t Give a Fuck” modes. Happens. A lot.
I sat on the floor at a park-ish type area nearby (waiting for my cab driver who still had an hour til our scheduled meeting time) accompanied by random Asian drunks and seemingly drugged up Frenchmen. As I enjoyed the warmth of the sun, I thought about doing a video where I literally burnt a €20 bill; light it up, on one of its edges, and document my frustration sizzling away.
I just don’t like it. Never really did, nor do I have much of an attachment to it. It can’t buy me that which I want the most, so what use it it? If I could live off the land, WITH wifi, running water and electricity I’d be good.
After I let the thought sink in a bit, I let it go. There are too many people out there that would benefit from a simple €20 donation.
I was just frustrated.
Anyways. Enough of that. (And no, the frustration didn’t just come from the lost FOOD!)
On my flight to Paris, I changed my seat to 25F during check-in. Right now, I can’t recall if it was because I mistakenly thought it was my 25th birthday (no joke), or if it was because it’s my birth date. Seriously. I just remember smiling while doing it.
(Hey, alcohol and 2 hours sleep. Nuff said.)
The bus I took from the airport drove up Avenue de la Grande Armée. It’s one of the main roads that lead up to the Champs-Élysées. It’s one of my favorite streets. It is LINED with motorcycle stores, rentals, etc. More, in ONE spot than I’ve ever seen in my entire life! I dunno. It made me smile. I was going to go and snap pics and shit, but never got around to it.
The coolness and warmth of my first night was perfect strolling weather; just enough of both to keep things pleasant. As I began losing myself in my wanderings, I saw an elderly lady, (70-80s) kicking around in some garbage, looking for food. I motioned the “want something to eat” gesture (like an Indian eating dinner) and gave her some money.
I couldn’t imagine having to rummage through people’s fucking trash to find something to eat man. It broke my heart. She was so sweet and grateful. Her eyes were soft, and within them I could see the sadness behind their temporary smile. Later on, I wished I had taken a pic of her, however, I don’t think she’d get the whole “blog” thing whether I explained it in French or English!
I just wanted to hug the poor thing. 5 mins into my walk, as I still had her on my mind, I thought…I should have given her more and started kicking my own ass into despair like a good Catholic girl.
(To which I am its poster child. Ha ha – Yeah…)
I can’t wait to take you down the Avenue des Champs-Élysées.
As I made the turn and placed my first few steps onto it, I felt as if a blind just flapped its way open et voilà! I was transported into another world. The beginning streets are wide and lined on either side with shops and restaurants and the walkways are spacious, well lit and adorned with trees. One of my favorite parts about NYC was feeling sheltered by the massive structures that lined the sky, but nowadays…I’m liking uninhabited airspace and am trading in concrete for clouds.
The buildings aren’t too tall, so you never feel disconnected from your natural surroundings and the air was fresh, like a bottle of chilled Evian.
At 11:10PM, I started thinking, “Where will I be when the clock strikes 12AM?” Wherever it was, I wanted to snap a shot of that exact location…but as I was looking for a place to eat (as I hadn’t had anything since BEFORE my 12:30PM flight from Amsterdam) I thought of you and how perfect it’d be to start my new year, with the sound of your voice and returned to the hotel.
You said your best memories are the times I took you to the Bahamas and NYC. You said, that you can’t even decide which one’s #1. Well baby, I can tell you now, I’mma wipe them ALL out, once I bring you here. I can’t wait to see your face light up. I can see it now, as I always do. Knowing you so well and knowing what makes you smile – beyond sunshine – aligns me, centers my focus and keeps me going.
Because, in every little moment, there you are and when I smile, I’m thinking of how nice it will be, to one day – finally – share this all with you.
From models to celebrities to mega millionaires and everything in between…I don’t know what they see in me honey. (Like, who am I? Why am I so special?)
It must be what you see in me.
Problem is, I don’t see in them, what I see in you…
And I’m done.
I meet people of interest, all the time, but it’s hyperly fleeting.
It goes, something like this: Huh. Cute. Sweet. Would be cool, but I can’t be bothered. Been there, done that, TOO many times, and 10 times outta 10…coming out not only empty, but at a loss. Most of my guy friends think I’m joking but I really can’t be bothered. There are so many more important issues in my heart, in regards to the state of the world and my loved ones, I don’t have the extra time, energy or desire. (Well, AFTER the 5 mins of “Huh. Cute. Sweet. Would be cool…” ha ha)
So, with that said, I’m dedicating my 32nd year, to you. 365 days, 365 entries of me to you.
It’s been a year of me doing the Crazywheelies blog (www.crazywheelies.com) and my brain naturally wants to make a change in flow. I began to wake up thinking, “WHY am I doing this?” It started as an anti-Facebook thing where I moved my content – photos and writings – away. It was also a place to entertain friends and to inform the public about things I care about. For the readers that loyally checked in, EVERYDAY, I never wanted to disappoint them, by NOT delivering so did my best to write, EVERYDAY, even if I wasn’t inspired to. Yeah, weird huh? I get emails all the time, from friends and readers, about how I’ve enlightened them, made them smile, laugh or open up a different view or thought pattern. THAT kept me writing for a while, because I love bringing an extra bit of sunshine and mental spark into people’s lives…
but I started losing mine.
I’m experimenting. Let’s see how it goes. If you ever doubt how often you are in my thoughts, you can simply check in.
It’s also, so that after 365, we can read its progressions, wherever we are in life, match up the end results and see what life gives us compared to what we may have desired.
You’re my default baby. Everyone else is just a temporary font and I’m too spent to keep up with the rotations. I’ve got too much on my plate, too much I want to do and too many battles I wish to take on which already need more time than humanly possible and more money than I’ve ever had in my life, but that doesn’t mean, I’m not going to try.
So far baby, my roads have been splashed with pixie dust. The impossible, seems more possible, every step I’m taking seems to sparkle, brighter and brighter and instead of taking away, I’m currently being blessed with people, that give a shit, that add to me, that believe in my fights, that are all about supporting “Team Cara” and are ready to help me rid the world of the ills that strangle my heart and leave it raisined and drained.
All that’s left, is you.
With you, I always felt, I arrived.
And here I am, now on a plane…AGAIN, chasing that same destination. Well, the feeling of it, or maybe, I’m running away from the void of its absence?
Nevertheless, keeping you in my thoughts and sharing mine with you…my days with you, helps me remain tracked.
So, let’s see what happens, shall we?
(Paris to Amsterdam)
We must do the same flight.
Same flight, same time of the year and same direction.
Looking down at a darkened Holland, was almost like seeing a video game, but not one of those cheaply made ones, the surreal, too-perfect-to-be-real ones. Almost like those artificial environments created for fantasy movies.
The waterways appeared as if they were lit throughout by a weak blue track of light.
The many tennis courts and soccer (sorry, FOOTBALL) fields were bright and clear and as we descended, you could see all the different players. It was so cool – the best city view I’ve EVER seen from the air.
Crisp, clean, and alive.
I woulda tried to video it, but the lady next to me seemed a bit weird and woulda probably flipped out thinking my harmless little digi cam would interfere with the HUGE ass plane’s electronics and take us all down!
Again, better yet, one day I’mma just show you so you can see, for yourself.
It’s weird. US. Or, moreso, me for you. No matter how many people I fill my life with, before or after, or how many experiences and places I consume, or how many years go by…there you are. I can’t explain it. When I came FOR you, the first time, It was like a field of bouncing waves echoing your name and each time I got closer, its pace grew faster and stronger until it was too late…
I made that final step and you made me, us. You made me, nothing else but you. It’s like you are my gravity. If I try to stray, I flutter without direction and attract chaos. If I keep you near, even in my thoughts, I remain grounded and mentally sound.
For 365 days, I’mma try and remember that and hopefully stay on track.
Let’s see what “we” can accomplish in doing so. K?
We passed a tall highway Burger King sign on the train back into Rotterdam. Was kinda funny, cuz from the corner of my eye, as we went zipping by, it looked like the moon set behind the trees.
After arriving at Centraal station, I caught a tram to get back to the hotel. On that tram, I bumped into a guy I’ve met, 2 times prior. When we first met, we didn’t say a word to each other, but it was like…we “knew.” Like, we instantly clicked with just a smile. He reminds me of Jonathan. Similar built, height and “swagger” dressed up with a slick’n’sexy smile laced with teddy bear sweetness. The second time I bumped into him, was the very same night we met. We both smiled so big, cuz I guess for us, it was just funny. Still, kept things short and small.
This night, we played “catch up.” He saw my luggage and we discussed my trip. I told him, I went away for my bday. He took my hand, shook it and wished me, “Happy Birthday.” Right before I was going to ask his name, I realized it was my stop, rushed my goodbye and jumped off.
I can’t wait to see him again. It’s like a character in a movie that appears when the main character needs a smile and a break from the chaos.
I’m so tired baby. It’s almost 11:15pm. I’ve been on a constant GO since I’ve come back; catching up with friends, getting into my projects and trying to respond to bday wishes – plus, dinners, drinks, drinks, drinks and late nights. (Oh, and a VERY intense morning yesterday, which I’ll write about when I get the chance. Don’t worry, it has a happy ending.) I’m hoping to get all this site sorted by the weekend, or AT LEAST by the end of it.
Looks like I’mma have to double up on days tomorrow as well. I’ll soon be directly keyed in to each day as they come, but for right now…time and energy, escapes me.
There’s so much about myself that I hate, but you love it all. You help me feel comfortable in my own skin and forget everything that makes me want to just rip out of it. I can’t wait to feel whole again, even for a sunset, with you by my side.
Hopefully, by keeping you zoned in throughout my days, instead of just floating within them, I’ll naturally begin to maintain balance.
Let the NEW adventures begin!!!!
Always, always and always.
xo Cara xo